Passing the Recipe (a letter to a dear friend)

Recently, I received this email from a friend:

"I come to you as a crazy stressed out friend. I am uneasy, stressed, can't focus, can't concentrate, feel like something is lacking in my life. I can't put my finger on it. I NEED SOME PEACE. I am about to make myself crazy. I haven't been exercising, sleeping, eating normal-everything is out of whack! From your posts you seem like you are feeling peaceful and balanced. Pass a girl the recipe (please)!"

I went digging through the recipe cards of my life and experiences, and came upon this.  I've always had the greatest success with this delicacy, and the flavor and satisfaction linger on and on and on...

"Oh my sweet girl! You are in the midst of all kinds of transitions and changes.... it's like the universe has decided to feng shui your life, so it's no wonder you are feeling off kilter! That's what happens when we are transforming, and transitioning into our new lives, so be easy on yourself, to begin. Have compassion for yourself. Love yourself. These things must come first.

After that, there are certainly a host of all kinds of good disciplines you could choose for your life: the optimal words being "choice" and "discipline." Of course, I am always here for counsel, resources, ideas, listening, drinks - you name it! 

If there is a secret to life, the one I know is that the more energy I put into choices and disciplines that are GOOD for me and honor my true spirit, the more GOOD the universe has to offer me.

What's one thing you could do today that would honor your own highest good?.....

At the end of the day, we all know what we have to do. We might think we don't, but really we're avoiding our truth because we aren't sure if we can trust it. "What if I try, and it doesn't work out?" "That might work for some people, but not for me." "It doesn't really matter what I do... nothing will work out the way I want. I'm too ________ or not enough _________." There are millions of people who live with these kinds of self-sabotaging thoughts... spending their whole lives this way, and never REALLY trying what they KNOW they should do to change it.

How do you begin to change? By honoring the simple things first. Clean your house. Light a candle and say a prayer. Make a list of gratitude and look at it and add to it everyday. Change your diet for the better. Cut out more toxins. Exercise. Write. Garden. Think of the very people and the very things that hurt you the most, and sit with it until you can genuinely feel love for them in your heart, and then wrap a blanket of compassion and forgiveness around them, if even for a moment.

These are some ideas... and it's not like you're meant to dive into all of it at once. Change happens slowly, but steadily, one step at a time. Adopt one small new practice into your life - even the simplest one, like making the bed, or lighting a candle. Do that for a few days, a week or two... and then add another one. As you continue to add more and more "good" disciplines into your routine, your life simply MUST change for good. The universe sees your efforts, and rewards you... not big at first, not usually. That's why we get frustrated and quit - we say "Here I've been doing all of this, and God hasn't helped me at all!" But God is just waiting... waiting for that one moment when you almost give up... but then you try even harder.

The more good I keep adding into my life (waking up earlier, eating healthier, running farther, praying longer, singing louder, confronting my responsibilities BEFORE they become problems....) the BIGGER the gifts are from the universe. This has been a process of years for me, starting small, and working my way up to the place I am now, where I am genuinely EXCITED to do these things because I have well learned that when I don't, things go to shit! So, it's exciting to wake up in the morning and tend to my spirit, because then my spirit tends to me for the rest of the day in the most amazing ways!!!!

I also want to say that not only are you not alone, but I think we need to remember that there is a much greater force at work here. Our entire planet and universe is undergoing a tremendous shifting right now, and we are feeling it and having to navigate it with very little understanding of what's happening or why. The most that I know is that as our collective consciousness is transcending into an era of light, so the dark parts of our lives are being forced to fall away to bring us into our highest vibration of being. 

If relationships are ending, or work is changing, or good friends are falling away and new friends are coming into the scene, if people are suffering injuries or illness... all of these things are not for nothing. We have legions of angels and spirits working in each of our lives, stripping away what no longer serves us, and what cannot continue to exist for us in this new paradigm of love, and light.

What we are suffering in this transition is our attachments, which evoke very powerful emotions. You know I have always been an extremely deeply feeling person, but even I have learned that as much as I can be operating and reacting from knowledge versus emotion, I am able to flow much easier. It doesn't mean that I don't feel - no! I allow myself to feel. If I need to cry, I cry. If I need to scream, I scream. If I need to be alone, I take that time. But I consciously acknowledge that these are only emotions, that in the present moment I am safe and protected and loved and provided for, and instead of holding on to the feelings and wallowing in them, I feel them, and then move past them. They may resurface again in an hour, or the next day or next week. But I keep consciously acknowledging them, feeling them, and moving past them... And the more I do that, they show with less frequency and intensity, and I have more time and energy to devote to the positive practices I mentioned before.  Just remember, it's a slow and gradual process... baby steps, babe.

Choice. Discipline. Every single day we wake up, it's up to us to determine how we will live."

The Return of the Divine Feminine (or, at least, a spiritful woman)

I have been hearing the call for some weeks and months now to return to this blog, and recreate my discipline with it.  Each time I have sat down to write, I felt overwhelmed in trying to somehow "sum up" all that I have undergone in these months and years, which are about to inevitably change the tone and meaning of "This Woman's Work."  The work has changed.  My life has changed.  This transformation has been gradual, but also quite rapid, in looking at the big picture.  Trying to regurgitate the vast amount of experiences and steps along the journey would be futile - has been, which is I haven't been writing!  So, today I have decided just to spew from the top of my head whatever thoughts come, as a first step, knowing that the story will reveal itself once I simply get back into this saddle.

If I look back to when I first started blogging, it was three years ago, in what I see now as the most transformational year of my life.  I have written about it often here, so without going into so much detail, let's suffice to say: absolutely everything in my world from my family, to my marriage, to my work, to my music was stripped away from me.  The Universe swooped in to feng shui my life, but I had no idea what the hell was going on.  From my vantage point at that time, it made no sense and seemed unfairly cruel to be forced to accept, let alone survive, such massive upheaval, death and grief.  Writing here was part of my catharsis: I was able to bare my soul publicly through entries, poems, and songs, which made me feel somehow still connected to this world, and not entirely alone and on my own.  I wrote about my love life, my music, my desires, my family (much to their dismay), and pretty much anything that I couldn't contain healthily within me.  Writing has always served that purpose in my life... as a means to unburden myself of the thoughts and emotions which take up too much internal space for me to function in a rational way.  I wrote a lot in that first year or so, and as I began to heal and move forward on my new path, this blog was left behind.

A couple more years have passed since then and now, too much time to chronicle, really.  And anyway, it's all documented in my journals.  Who knows?  Maybe someday this amazing story of rebirth will be shared in its entirety.  But that's a huge project for another time, and mostly irrelevant for my new intentions here...

"This woman" has been doing her "work," and I have been posting little snippets of it here and there on facebook, which has resulted in the receiving of such heartfelt messages from such a vast and varied audience, supporting me on my path, encouraging me, and reflecting to me how my efforts have inspired them with their own.  For this reason, I have been feeling called to begin to document my work here in greater detail, with the intention that my journey, and the transparency with which I share it, will continue to inspire and motivate more and more people.  For, it is at this time on our planet that so many of us are awakening to our highest potentials, and others are in need of our assistance to help them along.

As I have made a spiritual discipline of my life, the true path of my soul becomes more and more visible and more in focus each and every day.  Lessons have been flying in, and I have become more adept at recognizing them, and have figured out this little nugget of wisdom: if we just learn the lesson, and do what it is we KNOW we are being asked to do, life gets easier and easier, and flows more smoothly than we could ever imagine!

I have transitioned from a lifetime (30+ years) of living in a state of lacking, of guilt and shame, of depression, of addiction, and of struggle into a state of abundance and prosperity, balance, true gratitude, prayer, service, and incredible compassion and love.

I awaken earlier and earlier each day, because I am excited to be alive!  I am tearfully blissful almost every morning, and feel spiritually connected to the Earth, to the Universe, and to everyone and everything around me as I walk through my days.

I no longer feel guilt or shame, because even when I make mistakes, I confess them immediately to myself, and to others, taking ownership and responsibility for my actions, and learning as much as I can from each and every situation to better prepare for the next.  I still make mistakes.  I still lose my temper.  I still have a ways to go... but without carrying that toxic load of emotional burden, I am better able to process and grow, even from my worst days (although there are less and less and less of those).

I have largely given up worrying!  Ha!  That was a big one for me!  I read a quote recently which exquisitely expressed a truth I have learned in these years: "If you are depressed, you are thinking of the past.  If you are anxious, you are thinking of the future.  When you are in the present moment, everything is in balance."  I have learned to be present in my life.  No longer ruing over things that have happened, things which can always easily trigger feelings of sadness, or anger, or longing.  Trying hard not to be dreaming of the future - the future which is unknowable, and which always ends up different than how we once imagined it would be.  I have been working on releasing my attachments to goals and end results, because we never know what will happen, or why!

I have learned to be PRESENT, to enjoy the PROCESS.  I have learned to trust in God/dess, that I am being divinely guided and protected, and things are unfolding exactly as they should for my life.  Living in this way, I am at peace.  I get to enjoy each and every day for what it is, and if anything, can trust that by living this way, in a good and peaceful way, the Universe is working even more swiftly and smoothly to bring about positive results in my life.

The list goes on and on, and I will be sharing with you what I am working on, techniques I am experimenting with, resources I turn to, and my progress as well as my setbacks.  We are all on this journey together, but in each of our own unique and individual ways, learning the lessons our spirits most need in order to transcend the old patterns and habits and ideologies which have kept us mired in a reality that doesn't suit is, or our true purpose in life.

Instinctively, somewhere deep inside, we know that there is a better way, a better life waiting for us, but it seems so far-fetched... these books we read, or new age stories we hear on tv, all seem too simple or kinda hocus-pocusey (is that a word?).  Well, I am a very average, white woman from Minnesota.  I have bared my many pains and struggles to you all here before.  Maybe there was a greater purpose in that too: so that as I write of this new life now, you can easily go back and see that the changes I have made are attainable for everyone.

Just as I am sharing with you, others are sharing with me.  We are all both the students and the teachers - no one of us is higher or better or further along than the next.  We are all exactly where we are meant to be, and I wish to say that I HONOR YOU, whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever good or fucked up things you are doing in your life.  You are perfect.  However you are embracing your life, or denying it, you are unquestionably learning from it.  That's the most any of us can do.

So, thank you for reading this less-than-eloquent introduction to the new day here at "This Woman's Work."  I hope you will come back to visit, or even "follow" me here, to be sure you don't miss anything.  I welcome your respectful and honest feedback and comments.  I welcome the opportunity for mutual sharing.

From my most genuine heart, I love you.  Whoever you are, you are divine, and as much a part of the Great Cosmic Source as I.  We are all connected.  I love you as an extension of my own being.

Blessing you on this day, and for all the days to come....

emily

Valentine's, The Day His Heart Died

...Three years later.  Wow.  We've already made it three years.  Seems unbelievable.

These three years have simply been the most amazing and transformative years of my life.  Brought on by great loss and suffering, yes... but the resurrection has been positively profound, and seems to keep getting better and better!  In these three years since Dad made the great transition, I remained, and have accomplished so very much... things I had dreamed of doing my entire life!  Let's list:

- I have manifested a broad and extensive community of friends, near and far, who have gifted my life with unconditional love, and have supported my highest good

- I have found the courage to let go of people who have long hindered my growth... even family, and close loved ones... so that I may be fully authentic in my soul and self-expression

- I have manifested work which supports my talents, dreams, passions and desires, and live in a state of divine abundance, and greater prosperity than ever before

- I have become a powerful creative channel, and have met goals and manifested dreams in relation to my creative work... and have been surrounded by a vast community of other creatives who support my visions and honor my gifts

- I have reintegrated with the path of my spirit, and live a life of daily discipline, and continue to reach farther and farther, winding deeper and deeper into the labyrinth of Mysteries, with the courage to confront the shadow and the dark, that I may be liberated and lighter

- I have experienced true, pure love, whereby I spoke and acted with great integrity and clarity, and was able to experience the great power of my love, unfettered by desperation, expectation, need, jealousy, etc

- I survived critical and immeasurable physical pain and trauma when my spine broke, and I healed, and took from the experience many gifts ~ including the realization of the blessed family of friends who supported me through the ordeal, and the reunion and gift of my mother's love

- I finally found my home here in the North.  No longer feeling the desire to flee or escape, I am grateful and content in my dwelling, with my pets and possessions, and the wonderful life I lead here

- I am more independent, self-sufficient, self-determined, liberated, strong, courageous, passionate, spiritual, loving, compassionate and peaceful than I've ever been in my life

I mean, wow!  That's quite the list!

Reflecting on these years since Dad's passing in this way, I don't feel sad.  I mean, I can get teary-eyed thinking of him any day, for I do love and miss him so.  But, on this Day of Love, three years later, the utter emptiness I had felt then ~ an emptiness unlike any I had ever known before, or since ~ that emptiness has been filled, and overflows.

It is the anniversary of the greatest loss of my life... and also, a bit of a bitter reminder that I've had no romantic love in my life in all this time (at least, not any that was reciprocated to me).

Yet, there is great comfort in all kinds of love on this day.  Rather than mourn my father's death, I can celebrate my love for him, and his love for me.

Rather than feel lonely not to have a beloved to celebrate with, I can lavish the love onto myself that I would onto my most cherished ~ or even better: to imagine there is, indeed, a beloved out there for me, and that I can spoil myself as he most yearns to do.

I celebrate the deep love and connections I share with so many friends in so many places.

I take comfort in the Universal Love of Great Spirit, and feel the Mother's arms enfold me, and the Father's grace upon my soul.

I am blessed.  I am grateful.  I am joyful, and at peace.

May this Valentine's Day be a prayer for love all over the planet.

I offer my heart to you all.

Emily

Looking Back at 2011 (journal entry)

New Year's Eve... here we are!  Wow!

It's really amazing to see this year come to an end.  It was so incredibly dynamic, so full, so... memorable.

My show!!!  I mean, really, that was THE highlight of the my 2011!  Over a decade, I spent dreaming of that exact birthday show.  It was in my favorite venue.  It had all the elements - the band, the set, the dancers, the choir, costumes, lights, video, photos, body painters, belly dancers... WOW!  Tears in my eyes just thinking of it!  Such a great reminder that everything happens at just the right time, in just the right way.  Throughout the ten years of dreaming of this show, I don't think there was ever a time before when I had all the elements - the music, the performers, the resources, the support - until this year.  So many moments of panic in the past that I'd never make it happen... but I did.  Exactly when it was truly time.  I learned so much from that entire process, and grew as an artist, producer, and business woman.  But as I look back right now, timing is the big lesson standing out in my brain.  For all the other dreams and desires of my life, I needn't worry.  They are all on their way, in their own perfect time.  All I need to do is precisely what I'm already doing: being the best me I can be, each and every day.  Never losing faith.

What a gift that I was able to travel to my Mexican home twice this year, and am realizing how much I expanded my community of friends there!  I hadn't really thought about in until now, but it's quite true... it's the first time in years and years that I put myself out there, all on my own (no husband, or boyfriend, or tour-guiding other friends or family members), and found several new circles of friends: hanging out with the Farias kids (now grown!), Cesar and his crew, Jaime and Elio and the Argentinians, the Italian posse, the djs, the photographers.  My world expanded there - from the old school friends that built that town with me, to this next generation who have exploded the scene, and welcomed me into it.  Playa has always been intended as a home for me.  I believe it divinely ordered so.  I am ever requested by friends, old and new, to come down soon for a visit.  I am ever accepted, enjoyed, loved and missed.  Sometimes, I feel like if and when I ever do move back, the town is so big and advanced now, that I wouldn't find my place.  But it's not true.  I always have a place there.  I am always lovingly welcomed.  I am surrounded by friends and family who light up when they see me.  My joy and inspiration, my heart, all come alive there.  My soul's roots are in Playa del Carmen.  This expanded reality was a huge gift this year.

I fell in love this year.  I fell in love for the first time in at least half a decade... but this love was entirely different from any that came before.  I was entirely different.  I came into this love more whole, as a person, than I had ever been in my life.  I was independent, self-sufficient, and truly happy to be on my own and thriving - not looking for anyone or anything outside to "complete" me.  So, I was able to love mor purely and beautifully and gracefully than ever before.  I didn't project needs or expectations.  I didn't pressure.  True, I had many hopes and desires, but only because the man I loved was the most worthy I had ever known.

Heartbreaking, then, that it wasn't meant to be.  Brings tears to my eyes even now, almost 3 months after the fact.  In this time, I have come to see more work and mending needed yet, on myself, in my core, and realize that until the work is done, this love nor any other can be mine.  I'm so close... and the love that I discovered in me this year was a true gift, and a reminder that even greater love awaits me... just as my other dreams and desires... all on their way, in their own perfect time.

I reunited with my family, after several years of separation.  We suffered great losses in these last years, and 2011 was another devastating blow.  Two of the kindest, most gentle-hearted men of our family closed their eyes forever.  We've lost so much strong, beautiful, kind, gentle male presence in our family... we women are really gonna have to step it up, and get our shit straight, and endeavor to better ourselves in their honor!  But I digress.... While it was painfully difficult to reunite under such sad circumstances, I am full-heartedly grateful that by the end of the year, I was able to come together with both sides of my family in merriment, joy and love.  We are a strong-willed, intelligent, determined bunch, which can cause friction and separation, especially for those who remain stuck in their beliefs, judgments, and opinions.  But we are also sensitive, loving, passionate and creative, and I was so happy to experience some of those shining qualities with my family this year.  Reminded me of the good stuff in all of them, and in myself, as well.  

Musically, it was a phenomenal year!  Aside from my show, it was one of the most prolific songwriting years I remember... maybe in a decade!  I was blessed to have so many talented producers, writers, djs and musicians offer their music to me, and I was so inspired!  New favorites poured out of me, and my repertoire is now enhanced by new styles and genres, and uplifting lyrical content.  I had opportunities to perform with new people, to make music videos, to have multiple amazing photo shoots!  Even my choir has transitioned, and has become its own powerhouse of musical sensation and delight.  I have been sought for my expertise and ability.  I have been recognized and honored.  I am daily encouraged with messages inquiring about my next project, or show, or when the cd will be coming out.  Though I still get frustrated not to be farther along on this path than I feel I should be, I see that I truly have some into my own as a vocalist, writer, producer, director and teacher.  I have nothing to fear.  It's happening, it's already here, unfolding one layer at a time.

The other great feat of 2011 for me, was that I was confronted once again with my dark side, and depression.  Due to heartbreak, family pains old and new, and the loss of my job, the dark road beckoned me.  I danced morbidly back and forth for some weeks between the crossroads and the path of broken glass.  One day in particular, almost out of body, overwhelmed with pain, I met and confronted this great challenge - but not alone.  With the help from some very special friends and the support of an amazing community, I accepted help.  I did not succumb to the callings of the dark mistress... and all my little inner demons... I chose, instead, to breathe.  Isn't that amazing?  To say "breathing saved my life" seems... well, what would the word be?  Ludicrous?  Obvious?  But it did, it has.  I saved my life by taking support when it was offered, and remained open enough to accept new (however uncomfortable) opportunities.  It was a test.  A test I presented myself.  And I passed.  And now, I'm on the upwards turn of the wheel again.  And proud of myself, and grateful to all those surrounding me with love.

Wow!  2011 was certainly a dynamic and amazing year, and full of growth in each and every way.  A huge success.  I am really pleased...

And so tonight, what a blessing that I get to celebrate both this incredible year that has passed, and te new 2012 coming in, singing on stage, with beloved friends!  I feel prepared and excited... it should be a blast!

At this time, I have no clear vision of 2012, and what I may choose to manifest.  I'm okay with that.  Ideas float around about projects and music and travel and love... but I'm not attached to any of it.  All I want right now, is to work on my health and my body, to continue on my spiritual journey, to accept this prosperity and keep working hard, to be open to new people and places and opportunities, and to live each day with a grateful heart.  The rest will come.  It's already on its way.  

Thank you 2011... and welcome 2012....

Emily

They Come Back

It's not that I don't appreciate the messages, calls, texts, chats.
I'm sure what lies in them is more than the obvious:
your loneliness, coupled with a renewed heat
for what I had given so freely
a year ago, or more.
Your own heartbreak, seeking out
the shared pain
the anguish
the camaraderie of my own broken soul.

I'm sure, buried deep in the invitations
the checking ins
the positive affirmations for each new day,
there is an aim towards genuine friendship,
a desire to shoulder this long season ahead with
warmth
of bourbon and wine
fire
the poetry we effortlessly coo to one another
as if we were, ourselves, the love letters between such greats
as Kahlil and Mary, who lived their entire lives
wrapped in the blanket of language, love lost
forever
from them both.

Your efforts are not unnoticed, my dear.
The lines you cast into my crashing waves
return to you empty,
without the meat and meal you hunger for most.
I see the hook and bait you choose
ever so carefully, cautiously...
but even the most delectable temptations
are wasted
on a woman who will not feed.

It is not your fault, tender lover,
when rage boils over in my heart
liquid fire in every organ
bearing the banner which reads
"They always come back."
It is only a preoccupation in my mind.
The anger, the reeling that
for as easy as it was to cast me once into the turbulent seas,
always, and each time, they all come back to me.


They come back, pecking vultures,
dope fiends needing a fix of
my sex, my gracious heart,
to wear me on their arm
or chain me to the bed until
(as it always has gone, and, what reason
is left for me to believe it would ever be otherwise?)
they find, once again, someone
some thing
that mystical element which I seem not to possess
not for anyone,
but that will always entreat and entice them
away again,
as I lay bound in shackles
sinking to the ocean floor.

I know you mean not to watch me drown.
I know, at this time, in your heart
you are most certain and determined to
carry me from the water, to
place me on the gentle earth, to
breathe what life has been lost to me
back into my lungs, to
see me open my eyes, unveiled with skepticism and defeat,
that I might "see" you. That I might smile at the sight.

This is what they always want when they come back.

For you, o bereft pirate,
I say this:
your ship came and went.
You know this already.
In my current fury, I would warn you
not to be drawn to this siren's song...
you know the myth, and may end up, yourself
at the bottom of the sea...

but rest quietly at your prow,
and gently stroke the black waters of my heart's discontent
with no hope or expectation.
You may linger there, and
hum along to my sad love songs, and
peer into the shallows beneath the water's surface, and
maybe
just maybe
at the very least...

I might one day smile.

There Are No Obstacles, Only Options

I wrote that line today to my beloved who recently took his leave from my life.

I am thinking of how many times in recent weeks, I heard that from him, "There are too many obstacles." For him, this meant that we live thousands of miles apart. It meant that our lifestyles and work may be incompatible (however complimentary I believed them to be). And ultimately, that he wasn't feeling the strong desire to try to make a romantic partnership with me... because there were just too many obstacles.

In the six months since we were first introduced online (which, I guess, could be seen as an obstacle in and of itself), we spent long hours, days, weeks and months in conversation. I found him to be a very wise man, with beautiful philosophies (borrowed and his own) about life and love. A very positive person. A grateful heart, who embraced life, capturing its beauty with his unique talent as a photographer... his singular eye which seized such precious moments, to be admired and enjoyed by us all.

I remember when he first came to visit me three months ago, and we poured through slideshows of his work. My first impression was, "Wow - these are really beautiful!" As more and more kept passing on the screen, I thought, "How amazing to witness even ONE of these instances, let alone the hundreds and thousands he had!" Finally, it came to me, "What a blessed person he must be, how spiritually rich, to be God's eye, marveling in the glorious splendor the Creator has given us (which most of us fail to even recognize)." My impression of this man was that he was most definitely in the flow of life, supported by the universe, open to beauty and love and the positive energy of our world.

My heart and soul recognized him, then, as a kindred spirit, for although I had spent a long part of my life in pain and suffering, I had worked very hard in recent years to transcend my very own obstacles of mind and thought... and had finally landed on my true path, also in the flow of life, supported by the universe, living each day to its fullest, being of service to my community, tending to the work which is mine alone, dutifully and joyfully. For me, as we were exploring this new friendship, this new deep connection, this potential partnership, I saw no obstacles. I saw, instead, infinite potential.

I chose him. I chose to open my heart to him. I chose to trust again, despite the cruel betrayals I had suffered relentlessly in the past. But I chose differently this time. The choice would not be to abandon myself, my work, my life as it was for the love of this man... No! Far from it! My choice was to be open to him, to love purely with no demands, to allow our selves to be just as we are, and trust that everything will pan out exactly as it should.

If love is a bridge between two people, I had always walked over that bridge in the past, to the other side, to meet my love where he was at and join him on his journey. This time, I was clear: I would be willing to walk halfway up that bridge, and if he was willing to meet me there, together we could surmount any obstacles - time, distance, the logistics of life. There were no barriers in my heart or mind. Life is a myriad of possibility, and every option was open to us.

So, when he came for this long-awaited visit, and we reunited once more, I told him as much the very morning of his arrival. Although I was still not 100% about this romantic pairing, so far it had been 100% wonderful, and I was grateful to have this time with him, to open ourselves to the other, to continue the exploration, being present with one another as we did so.

Throughout the first week of his stay, I felt the walls around his heart, which hadn't been there when last we were together. I felt my own walls go up in response to it, and spoke to him about it, as we always felt comfortable to communicate all our thoughts and feelings. He agreed and admitted that his walls were up. "I just see too many obstacles," he said again and again. He didn't want a long-distance relationship, though I had never asked for one. He felt we were on the same path, but that I was on a speed train, while he was on a bicycle, though I had asked for no kind of declaration or commitment. I reiterated, my only expectation was that we would be open, relinquish our fears, and enjoy this time for what it was.

A week into the visit, he announced that he "just wasn't feeling it." He had no explanation. Despite our mutual connection, our passion, our admiration for each other and each other's work, our exquisite communication, our shared desires for life and love... He could only say that he wasn't feeling that magical elixir that would make him want to dedicate himself to me exclusively. Again, I hadn't asked that from him, but he felt it was my true desire... which, for him, was yet another obstacle.

What could I do? Nothing. I couldn't convince him to change his mind, and to be open again, and I was clear with myself that I wouldn't want to coerce someone into loving me. I instantly felt the loss of all the potential, as well as for our short-term plans... for me to come spend three weeks with him in his home, seeing his life, exploring more there. Ancient fears crept up in me as well: that old karmic pattern of being so loved and admired, but put aside time and time again. With so much beautiful potential between us, how could he cast it all aside?

Because he saw only obstacles.

The following week of his stay was a roller-coaster of emotions. I had been there before. Desperately trying to make sense of the illogical. Knowing that I was now at a familiar crossroads. In the past, I had followed the path which spiralled down into the deepest, darkest, scariest forest of my inner world. There, I had languished. I had deprived myself of food, and sleep. I had neglected the life above and around me, and my responsibilities, only making the climb out more treacherous and difficult and laborious. I had chosen the path of obstacles, and collected more and more of them on those dark journeys, from which it had taken years to truly heal and step back into the light of my life.

This time, standing at the crossroads, I looked down that shady road that called to me. I knew the way so well. There were familiar ghosts and demons in the underbrush that sang the haunting melodies of my deepest pain. They wanted me. They were hungry, and I had always offered myself as an abundant feast. My heart, which had been beating itself against my brittle ribs, desperately trying to escape the prison of my breast, pulled me towards them. If she couldn't leap from my body on her own, she would be most happy to be devoured once again.

But my mind said, "no." It was only a small voice in my mind. And I knew, I could not feel my way through it this time. I couldn't indulge my heart and consciously plummet into the abyss of misery. My mind said it again, "No!" I drew the attention away from the physical pain - the nausea of heartbreak in my belly, the headaches, the sleeplessness and fatigue. "NO! I SAID NO, GOD DAMN IT!" I liked this voice. I looked down the other path from where I stood, and above the demands of my mind, heard the most beautiful melodies, heard my father's voice, heard an eagle's wings flapping.

I saw there are only options. Choices. It would be my choice to rise, or my choice to fall.

I had been disappointed that the man I loved, whom I saw as someone so evolved and enlightened, had in truth been so very limited. Because of his past, because of his fears, because of his addictions, the obstacles he saw between us had barred him from giving and receiving pure love. He had blockaded himself from sharing and exploring with a woman so deliciously open, liberated, self-fulfilled, and full of light and joy. He cemented his feet from climbing up the bridge to meet me halfway, and explore the realm of possibility together, as equals. He came to me with walls already around his heart, and had said that I mustn't have had the right key to open that door. I think he changed the locks.

I see only options. No obstacles. The path I have turned towards is the path of my true spirit. I am met with sunlight. There is music all around me. My father kisses my head now that I finally lay my head down to rest, and put the spoon to my mouth to feed. Eagle circles above me, and all my angels are dancing and clapping.

We will always be presented with spiritual trials in life. It will never end. But this time, I choose wisely. I choose me. I choose life. I choose to celebrate this love, even when it is met with resistance. I just don't see that as an obstacle...

I see it as a testament.

I will not feed into my ancient fears. I will not let those old barriers creep back in. I will have faith that there will come a day when a beloved will appear to walk up that bridge and meet me where I'm at.

And he, whomever he is, will be one lucky son of a bitch.

Counting

The last time he left on a plane to head back home,
I felt my heart rip from my breast and leap into the sky,
attached itself to the wing of his ride,
and to him.
My heart, grown woman as she is,
chose to love
chose to wait
chose to be patient
chose to be true.

I counted down months, then weeks, days and hours
until his return.
Now, I’m already counting hours since he’s left...
Currently, we’re at 3 hours and 39 minutes into this healing.
But unlike last time, there are no tears
no banshee screams
or death cries
because this time my mind, grown woman as she is,
is choosing to love
and choosing to let go.

This time, there is no question
no wondering
if we’ll keep talking long distance,
if he has feelings for me,
if we’ll ever see each other again...
The decision has already been made,
because he is a grown man
and told me so.

No. The answer would be no.

3 hours and 44 minutes in.
I wonder how long I’ll be counting.

“Its just a matter of acceptance,” I told him at dinner last night,
for I will never understand why.
He will not bother himself to find a reason.
“It just is what it is,” he had said, “Just what I feel.”

I’ve been here before.
Too many times, really.

But all those thens resulted in my tearing my life and body and mind apart...
Desperate to understand the illogical:

For months, almost daily conversation expressing the mutual connection neither of us had experienced in years.
The admiration for each other’s work.
The shared goals and dreams for partnership, family and life.
The intense and passionate physical connection.
The ease and openness and comfort with which we communicate.
The humor and joy abundant between us.

Active planning for travel, creative work, taking it slowly as it comes
with no pressure
or demands
or timelines to decide.
It was just open. We were exploring. We were enjoying.

“You say you’re just not feeling it?” I asked with furrowed brows, “Just not feeling what?”

“The magic isn’t there. I think you are so amazing and beautiful and sexy and talented... but I have to listen to my heart, and I don’t feel the drive to dedicate myself to you.”

Huh?

“Um, but I didn’t ask for your dedication... I didn’t ask for anything other than that we both enjoy this openness, honor this connection, savor our time together, no matter what the outcome.”

Well, this is the outcome.

I will never make sense of it.
I will go mad the longer I try to.
I have been here before, too, too many times.

3 hours and 58 minutes down.
He’s halfway home.

Acceptance is the only answer for me, now, on my own again.
The plaguing questions must be kicked to the curb by the single thought:
“You will never understand. It does not make sense. He has made his choice.”

And my choice?
To smash every clock in this empty home
and never count another second again.