It comes in waves, I say. It
must be astrological, or something, because there are patterns and trends in the relationships around me, despite the vast differences in circumstance, personalities, and contexts. I see it in my own life, and I have half a dozen women friends going through it too... the next level of the unfortunate Plague, flu-like in its intensity and contagion, which I have simply dubbed "Hot and Cold."
I bet many of you already know where this is headed. Let you be forewarned that this blog will be a huge pile of generalities and discrimination - but yes, I certainly know that what I am writing is NOT true for EVERYone. There are always exceptions to the rule. I GET IT. Still, there is a HUGE likelihood that many will undoubtedly be able to relate, and it is for those unlucky bastards that I write these words. After all, someone needs to say this shit...
Once again, I'll start with my own personal scenario:
So, I had made it a point last year that I would not get involved in another long-term, serious, committed relationship until I had accomplished some much needed inner work on myself with some level of success and achievement. I'm not there yet. However, celibacy was never a consideration for this unspecified period of time - hell no! Girl has needs - STRONG needs that grow up like weeds, and sometimes wind and twist and choke all ration and reason from my brain! This is some powerful stuff, a woman's desire. God forbid, I deny myself the pleasures of passion and sex and lust.
But this is dangerous stuff: for to truly feel that kind of passion and intensity I long for, most often there's some semblance of an emotional connection involved. Totally random sex has little panache. Yet, for a girl who is ever cautious to remain unattached and single, those emotions and feelings can be tricky tricky tricky.
The pattern in MY experiences tends to go like this: I meet a guy that I like, and he likes me. We fuck or don't fuck - that's besides the point - but the mutual attraction is there. Dude man becomes glamoured... he sees all of the extraordinary qualities I possess, and becomes covetous - wanting me all to himself. I protest, clearly explaining I want to be single, my past relationships haven't worked out so well, I need time. Dude man can't wait - he's so bewitched, that before you know it, he's making grand declarations of love and desire and trying to tie up my schedule and my future with... him. He sees a goddess he wants on his arm. I see red flags and hear the alarm.
His persistence, however, and his charm and beauty, weaken my resolve. I try not to show it, and continue to deny his more serious emotional advances, as he begs me to "at least be OPEN to the idea that it could work out." Cracks in my armor. Mortar falling apart at the seams. Roots becoming unearthed. Little flecks of hope wisp into my old wounds. I want to believe. I hope to be loved. It does feel good. He is a good guy. Aw, shit. Here we fucking go again...
So, now, he's convinced me to entertain the idea a little more seriously than I had wanted to. I find myself texting him more often. Calling more often. Missing him and wanting to make plans to see him more often... and just like that, BAM! He backs off. His calls and texts are less and less frequent. He skips out on plans made. He pocket calls while he's out with his friends, laughing and partying, while I'm sitting at home missing him, crying for the 50,000th time over "Sense and Sensibility." What just happened here??? He made himself emotionally vulnerable by confessing he's falling in love, and then had to back off. In the meantime, I fell like a sucker for that shit. Now he's moved on, and I find myself attached and unrequited, and there's no explanation or closure in store? P.O.P.!!!
Here's the first variation of Hot and Cold. We'll call this friend of mine, "Forgotten Foxy." So, Foxy was involved with a guy she met while away at school. Same kind of scenario... she was hesitant to open her heart and get into a relationship, while he persisted for weeks with flowery declarations, (both spoken and written in poetry form) - this dude man was pulling out ALL the stops, and investing some serious thought, time and energy into it all. So, Foxy succumbed, and fell in love. They had to live long-distance for awhile, which is trying on any relationship, but they loved each other and were trying to make it work til she'd return to school in the fall.
Alas, the strain on the relationship became too great. When you can't look into someone's eyes, feel their touch, sense their energy, and are entirely dependent on phone calls and skyping, there leaves much room for misinterpretation and misunderstanding. Foxy had the notion that maybe her man was up to no good, hanging out with girls and such. He denied, and tried his best to console her fears... but then there was some evidence that her suspicions were accurate. Separated from her love, and losing faith in his intentions, Foxy's heart was breaking slowly. After much discussion, and with some fear and grief, she agreed that the two would "take a month off" from their long-distance communique, and wait til she had returned to school, to be in each other's presence, and then decide if their love is true.
She passed those first few weeks like a champ: giving him his space, treating herself to fulfilling adventures, getting her goals and priorities in check. She was feeling stronger than ever, returning to her power. They spoke here and there, keeping tabs on each other, but both abiding by the terms of their agreement. Then came the fourth week, the week before she'd leave for school, and for their reunion. Emotions began to surface again, and she thought it was the good time to begin reconnecting by phone.
He confessed to her one night that he had been trying to date a young 20-yr old, but she was refusing his advances. Foxy listened, gave him advice, and even comforted him - taking the "higher road" of friendship, if that's what their love was destined to be. Yet days later, a little confused, and emotions intensifying as the road trip cross country drew near, she tried to call, text, im, skype - communicate in any way, to clarify their situation and KNOW what to expect when she arrived back at school. No answer. None. No message returned. No respect, no closure. Foxy was left dangling, wondering, asking "Why?!" over and over and over again. Filled with anxiety, frustration, and utter confusion as to how he could have been so in love (so hot) for months on end, and then so out of love (turned cold) within a matter of weeks, Foxy flipped her fucking lid. I commiserated, and told her, "The requirement should be that you have to use just as many words to get OUT of a relationship as you do getting IN to one." P.O.P.!!!
Second variation: my friend we'll call... "Jilted Jolie." Jolie met her man in January, as casual acquaintances at work. She was never one to be tied down, though the thought had crossed her mind from time to time. She was in her mid-20s, enjoying her single life in the cities, and always keeping a few lovers about her. He joined her roster, and it was clear to both that their arrangement was purely physical, and anything but serious.
Months and months passed, and while other lovers in her life had come and gone, this one stayed on. She couldn't help but take notice of the increasing frequency of their passionate nights, as well as the increased passion they seemed to be sharing. Yet, she held fast to the context of their relationship ("casual," only) DESPITE his yearnings to want to "have the talk." She resisted the conversation, feeling it would be the inevitable nail in the coffin for the rather pleasurable affair they were both enjoying. His behavior became erratic - one day talking about love and marriage and having children together, then chalking it up as a joke and insisting he didn't want to be in a committed relationship with her. Jolie didn't know what to think.
But she was thinking. She was seriously considering his awkward suggestions that maybe what they had together would/could be a pretty solid relationship. It had been a decade since she'd walked that path... and it started to sound better and better as the months continued on. They had a solid friendship, hot sex, similar interests... and at this point, had been "casual" for ten months, and even unintentionally monogamous for two. So, what would be the harm in having "the talk," as he'd been wanting, and give it a shot as a real, defined, committed couple?
She opened her heart, and let the flood of love for him rush in. The dam of protecting her heart had crumbled beneath her, and the levies had broken as well. And so she reached out to him... reached out just a day or two after he had left her a voicemail ending with, "I love you." Suddenly, he's not interested in talking. His behavior became even more unstable: ditching her one night while out with friends, then stopping by to visit a few days later. She kept trying to communicate, but he was unavailable, uninterested, inconsistent as she grew impatient.
Finally, after spending time together once again on one fated evening, she finally said, "I really want to talk to you about us." His reaction was borderline violent, as he cursed at her, and kicked her out of his home. Left her on the street, confused, and crying alone. Three weeks have passed, and he calls no more. She thought she was giving him what he had wanted, what he had expressed: to discuss and decide what their future together would be. But, somewhere along the lines, unbeknownst to her, he had changed his mind? When? Why? The same stupid questions we're all asking ourselves. P.O.P.!!!
Variation number three: I introduce to you to "Angel Angle." Now this girl is truly born out of the heart of love. She doesn't deny her emotions, is clear about her intentions: she wants to give and receive some good lovin'. She is young, gorgeous, sexy, talented... a true catch for anyone lucky enough to catch her eye and win her heart.
After recently getting dumped by a neglectful boyfriend of one year, Angel was distraught... beside herself. Always trying to give the benefit of the doubt, look for the deeper meaning, believe in the true goodness of others (even when they are douche bags), she forgives even where she shouldn't. She pined and mourned for her lost love. She was bereft. She thought her heart would never heal.
Until she walked in on a party one night, and saw him with another girl on his lap. Stunned and likely infuriated, she turned the tables. The hope that he had been missing her as much as she was him was crushed in that instant. She understood perfectly just exactly what kind of man he truly is. She sealed up her heart, and began to do what I had been hoping she would: she turned that attention and energy back onto herself. Within that very week, her joy in life had returned, opportunities were ablaze, and plans were being made for a trip to the islands this winter - a long trip, which will inevitably change her whole life.
With her regained confidence and exuberance, her energy and attractiveness exuded from every pore. An old friend, a sexy old friend, came onto the scene, and the two started palling around until all hours of the night. A couple of times, they would crash at one or the other's house, on the same bed or couch, talking for hours, sexual tension building. They kissed... and it was so hot, Angel had all but forgotten about what's-his-name from yesteryear.
New dude had to leave town for work - has a gig where he's on the road a lot. Angel used that time to keep moving forward with her big plans, but couldn't help thinking of him - the dynamic was so intense! He, obviously, couldn't stop thinking of her either - called from the road at one point, entertaining the idea of going with her to the islands this winter... She was so excited, she almost burst!!! But, she kept her cool, and used her head, and reminded him of the amazing opportunity he would be passing up in his work. Just as she was trying to focus her energy on her life, she wanted him to do the same - but he was certainly invited for a visit, and she started to consider how they might carry on some kind of long distance relationship.
He came back into town, and they got together again. They spent a night wrapped up in each other's arms - no sex, but an extremely sensual, orgasmic experience. He would be in town for a few weeks before taking off again. She had hoped to spend as much time together as possible.
But after that night, he all but disappeared from her life. Stopped returning calls and texts. Was hanging out with mutual friends, but not inviting her. Ran into her one day, and said they could get together later that night, and stood her up. No word or mention of why? What went wrong? Did she do or say something to offend? Hot and Cold, man!!! P.O.P.!!!
I started writing about this a week or more ago. Since then, the calls and emails have been pouring in - other women, friends and even readers of my blog, who have asked advice about similar situations. It's truly an epidemic! That's why I say it must be something astrological, or floating in the air. As I listen to and read the varying scenarios, I find myself repeating the same words to others as I keep writing to and telling myself:
As a bare minimum, my sisters, respect and dignity should be the requirements of any relationship. If a man has no balls to communicate, to end a relationship he is no longer interested in, to give closure, and to have integrity, then what more about these men do we really need to know? The "why's" simply don't matter. The tears you shed he likely has no concern for. The hours you spend tormented and confused is simply time you are wasting, time that could be opened up and freed for a man who might better reciprocate the loving energy you are willing to invest. It's easier said than done, I know. We must grieve the end of a love or season. It is unfair, it is painful, it is pura mierda (pure bullshit).
In trying to let go, we must resist the urge to continue reaching out to that which would only keep pushing us away. We must stop justifying our "reasons" why we need to call or text or email. We need to accept the douche-baggery for what it is. Our attempts prove to be futile, and we rarely get the reaction we most hope for.
In moments of weakness: call up a girlfriend instead. The love of our friends is the best cure against the dreaded Plague.
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