The Real Lap of Luxury

I am living in the lap of luxury.

It's not about things people, not about the things at all. I look around at my surroundings, and examine MY things... a hand-me-down dining room table, clothes hanging in my closet that have been there for a decade or more, a tv in my bedroom not even hooked up to any cable. I have no assets - no expensive jewelry, no fancy car, and I've never been a homeowner.

Yet I wake up every morning happy, and almost tearfully grateful for another day in this amazing life. From the minute I open my eyes, I am excited for the day ahead - even knowing it may be filled with challenges or stresses - because it is my day, every day, to live as I choose and to be whomever I wish to be. How could I consider myself anything other than absolutely stinking filthy rich?

I am far from famous. I have certainly not acquired any kind of national, regional or even local renown, despite the hundreds (if not thousands) of performances given, songs sung, dances tricked out. A fellow local singer was introduced to my music the other day, and she said "Yeah, I've heard of her - she's a hippie chick, right?" Not quite. But how would she know? I am a tiny speck on the map of these times, that wouldn't even show up unless you zoomed way in.

But I am surrounded by a community of people that at this moment are working hard on my behalf: editing my music, building my website, writing up press releases, setting up an LLC, drafting budgets, designing marketing campaigns, learning songs, choreographing routines, sketching costume designs, building sets. They are all friends. They are all people who believe in my vision, and support it, and are themselves fulfilled to be a part of it.

More than that, there is an even wider community of people who love me, and express their love for me, on a daily basis. People interested in my goings-on, friends who come to me for counsel and exchange meaningful and uplifting conversation, and beloveds who pop in just to share moments of affection ~ snuggling in to watch a movie, kissing the top of my head, embracing me in a long, deep hug.

How could I not feel like the center of the universe? How could I ever feel lonely? In fact I do, at times, but have to immediately laugh it off. I am as cared for and catered to as the queen of England, for all I can see.

The definitions of luxury:

1. Something inessential but conducive to pleasure and comfort.

2. Something expensive or hard to obtain.

3. Sumptuous living or surroundings.

From my view, absolutely anything material is inessential, but conducive to pleasure and comfort. I've said before, all I really need to be happy is a place to sleep, food to eat, and a regular bath. Anything more is luxury. From the towel I would dry myself with, to the rings I put on my fingers. All are luxury items to me.

Inner peace and true joy elude most people living in this world. They seem to be the hardest things in life to obtain. Though they have no monetary value, they do come with a price: hard work, a willingness to release fear and pain, introspection, and time devoted to acknowledging spirit. To awaken to each day with a joyful heart is pure luxury, and worth more than anything in the world that money could buy.

Sumptuous living and surroundings... this is more subjective, I think. I am right now in a warm home, on a comfortable bed draped in a $60 bedding set, whose beauty I cherish. I look forward at the wall, with a framed sketch of Billie Holiday, made for me by a dear friend way back in high school. I see my clothes, bright and colorful, hanging in the closet next to me. Everything I look upon is pleasing to my eyes, and gives me a feeling of comfort and contentment. I have everything I need, and more. I have abundant luxury surrounding me.

"Perception is key", they say. "It's all a matter of how you look at things." "Do you see the glass half-empty, or half-full?"

I live in the lap of luxury. The good life. Pura vida. It's not about the things, it's just a matter of how you see the things. Try on my rose-colored glasses for awhile. It's a wonderful, magical, most blessed world.

All That Is Afoot...

At the threshold of an amazing sequence of opportunities and projects, destined to make the year ahead a true evolution of my artistic work, spiritual growth, widening networks of friends and collaborators, and an overall shift of my stature in life.

All the details of these events will be unfolding to you as the weeks and months progress. For the moment, it will suffice to say that I am in full manifestation mode, realizing and actualizing long thought out dreams and goals, living the life I have long desired. I am daily mindful of what a true blessing it all is...

I wake up these mornings before my alarm goes off, already brimming with ideas and notes and schedules and creative imaginings. I sit at my kitchen buffet, with tea and a bidi to smoke, writing in my journal, making plans for the day and week ahead. I work in my home. I venture out for fruitful conversations and productive planning. I enjoy a social life that is ever intermingled with the work that lies before me - and am met by my peers with enthusiasm, support, and a desire to be involved. "Is this a dream?," I muse. Indeed, it is. It is the dream I have had for my life, and I am finally at that stage in my development to meet it, and to see it through.

For all the years that this vision has been taking shape, to finally stand in its presence, knowing that I have all the skills, knowledge and talent, and am backed by a vast pool of resources and community all dedicated to help me reach these goals is a novelty for me. I have endeavored before, I have invested, I tried and tried and tried again... even when frustration, depression, lethargy and apathy all tried to talk me out of my purpose, tried to sway me from my path. I see now that I never had to beat a dead horse - that was never the case. I simply had to continue to get back on, and so I have.

I am not afraid to admit my pride in myself. I might have felt like a braggart to say such a thing at other times in my life, but not now. I have worked very hard throughout these years, volunteering and working with so many groups and individuals on their projects and dreams, cultivating skills and knowledge, even investing in others before investing in myself. I am proud to have made some really hard choices over the past couple years - walking away from projects and relationships that weren't reciprocal, and choosing to put that energy and time into my work, and my path. I have created a wide network, a family, who is there to back me up - who express to me that they, too, have been waiting for me to step up, claim my power, and fulfill my destiny.

Well, "destiny" is a larger concept than I care to fantasize about anymore... whatever my destiny is remains to be seen. For the moment, I can honestly say that I am perfectly content, enjoying the process, and knowing that it is all leading me exactly where I'm meant to be.

To all of you who have signed on for this ride, buckle your seat belts... we are about to hit Mach 10 sooner than later. For those of you who are witness to it all, go ahead and buckle your seat belts too...

My intention is to do nothing less than blow your mind.

Gratitude (journal entry: November 25, 2010)

Thanksgiving Morning.

Tears of gratitude wash over my eyes. The sun sparkles and glistens on yesterday's new fallen snow. My home is warm, and clean, and peaceful. My heart is full of the friendship and music of last night. Osho's fur smells like Dad (a mixture of wool and pure love). I have the whole day to follow my heart's content ~ be it to hang Christmas lights, start working on ideas for upcoming projects, cook, rest, visit friends... it's a holiday for my self, and I am already relishing in it!

I have so much to be grateful for, it's truly overwhelming. What an amazing time in my life! I see my own energy shining in my friends' eyes. I feel fire radiating out from within. I feel full, ever so full, like I'm about to burst! What a tremendous sensation, what a gift, what an honor and privilege...

I feel it most appropriate to make a list of all that I am grateful for this morning ~

1. My reunion with my true path and spirit

2. My good physical, mental and emotional health

3. My wide community of friends and supporters

4. The unique and meaningful relationships I share with my band mates

5. The abundance of inspiring, creative energy surrounding me

6. The many new and inspiring personal connections I've made this year

7. Reuniting with my Mother

8. Osho and Lilly ~ and The Bird

9. My beautiful, warm, clean home

10. My roommate, and this new journey together

11. My faraway friends who remain ever close to my heart

12. The amazing performance opportunities I enjoyed this year

13. The abundance of new, creative opportunities on the horizon

14. THAT I CAN SING!!!

15. My successful recovery from spinal surgery, and the Universe picking up the tab for it!

16. The children in my life, who bring so much joy

17. My enduring friendship with Jan Kimes, my greatest mentor

18. The growth and energy of Cantara, and its members

19. My StageCoach family, who continue to support me year after year

20. My new dream job given to me this week!

21. That I have been "out of the fog" from my addiction to marijuana for almost a year now

22. To be free of unhealthy relationships

23. To be independent and following my bliss

24. For the courage, strength, grace and dignity with which I have met life's difficult challenges

25. For clarity of thought and vision

26. For true faith, and understanding that if I put in the work, the Universe will support me

27. For Dr. Tom

28. That people feel they can reach out to me in times of crises and confusion

29. For the family members who have ever stood by my side and loved me unconditionally

30. For my Father's spirit, which is ever with me, guiding and assisting me along my path

31. For the many skills and talents I have been blessed with

32. That I awaken most days happy, energized and excited to live another day!

33. For my morning cup of tea

34. For the journals I've been keeping all these years (for them keeping me sane)

35. For the beautiful flowers on my table

36. For my open heart and mind

37. For the story of my life ~ fascinating, unique, and intensely interesting as it is!

38. For my self-confidence and self-assuredness, and the ability to accept new challenges

39. For my FEARLESSNESS!!!

I'm certain there's so much more than that, as I celebrate this past year. I conceived of a realistic plan, made seasonal goals, and took the small steps along the way to ensure my success. I am thrilled with the results. How far I've come in a year ~ how much has changed! Looking ahead now, realizing what I have cultivated and will now demand my tending to is overwhelming:

2 StageCoach schools

Teaching at Heartbeat Studios

Artistic Director of a new club

2 Cantara choirs

Debut cd project

Birthday show extravaganza

Priestess studies

Not even mentioning relationships, or other personal goals and ambitions! It almost seems crazy ~ except that I know I can do it all! I know I can accomplish all of these things now, and I WILL! I am living the life I've always wanted, elevating to the next level, rising to the occasion to meet my success!

"Gratitude" doesn't even begin to cover how all of this makes me feel inside.

Thank you. Thank you all. Thank you, thank you, thank you...

Acknowledgement

All of this healing I've been trying to accomplish in relation to my reoccurring and acute back pain has its roots in layers of deep emotional issues which I tend to ignore or really work through. Coupled with living my life at a breakneck speed, the pain returns again and again, and I am ever reminded of the inner work which is required of me (required of all of us) in order to evolve and manifest my (our) true destiny in this lifetime.

For me, the deeper issues go way back to my childhood, my family, issues of love and self-worth which continue to affect my relationships, my confidence, my ability to accomplish goals and make dreams come true. In everyone's lives, there are stories and moments which can never be changed, and we must find a place of acceptance, of forgiveness. I have struggled with this task for 34 years, and realize how critical it is that I now focus on and accomplish this work, in order to truly be happy, to walk my path, to be pain-free.

My stories (which will undoubtedly be revealing themselves in this forum) began when I was three-years old - a small girl in a small town. My parents had divorced, my father was in Guatemala (or who knows where), my mother working dreadfully long hours to support me and my sisters. My sisters were older and had no time for me. I was raised by a woman named Pearl, and a community of family and friends whom I would float between for a decade to come. There was little guidance, there were no rules, there was no stability. I learned the concepts of love and family in a skewed way. I grew up alone, although surrounded by the people of my town, who knew me and collectively looked after me. I had a lot of fear, both in my home and out in the world. I was, in essence, a wild child. These early experiences have clearly shaped much of my life that followed.

So, I'm trying to dig into all this... and in my pain, the images or thoughts that arise are from that small child's perspective: I hear myself crying out for my Mom or Daddy; I feel that old fear of being a tiny girl all alone in the world, with no where to call home; I feel the aching for someone to be at my side, loving me and caring for me. Quite honestly, I'm not even sure how to heal these old wounds, except to write about them, talk about them, see my shrink once a week, continue to work with healers and people who specialize in that deep energy work.

Last night, as I sifted through my facebook page, I became suddenly overwhelmed with a realization. In my pain over the past few days, as I was tortured with hard memories from the past and current feelings of being all alone and unlovable, I began to take notice of something so humbling, so mind-blowing, so heart-bursting that I had to grab my journal and make a list: just from my few posts over the past few days, an insane amount of people reached out to me in one way or another. I mean an INSANE amount of people. I was truly overwhelmed.

The words of support, the offers of assistance, and the LOVE expressed sincerely to me and for me went off like firecrackers in my brain. It occurred to me that even as I'm processing these old wounds, as I know I must do, I am doing it inside the most expansive circle of love and light and friendship and FAMILY. I am not, at all, in any way, alone in this world. I am, apparently, far far far from being unlovable. I am more than loved: I am cherished, I am cared for, I am worried about. I am not that small girl, hiding in a closet, crying for her Mommy and Daddy. I am a fortunate woman in this world, who has cultivated through my life a most impressive network of people who see something so wonderful in me, that at the first sign of crisis or pain, they are ready to swoop in and do anything possible to help alleviate my troubles. I have tears in my eyes now, feeling so grateful, so humbled, so fucking lucky.

It came to me then, that a key part in my healing must be to begin to spend more time acknowledging what I have, rather than what I don't have. Counting blessings, not tears. Shit - I just recorded a song about this very topic, and suddenly it makes even more sense to me! So, without further, ado... I would like to thank...

Brad, Ray and Jason for all of the massage and bodywork

Matt for getting me in right away for acupuncture

Keith for ongoing chiropractic care (and for tuning in to my heart)

Nate for the Raindrop Technique and emotional support

Carlos and Nicole for their offers of financial and emotional support

Alyssa for networking and seeking out healing alternatives

Melissa for offering yoga therapy

Peter for company and chocolate

Bryce for thinking of my stresses, and offering to help lighten my load

Krissa for giving me direction, and soothing my mind

Chris for being my nighttime nurse, and constantly checking to see if I'm okay

Osho for... being Osho

Lilly for running to me every time she heard me cry, pawing at my nose, and literally licking the tears off my face

And to all of these people for sending notes, mail, texts and calls of support and love:

Bob W., Aimie, Dresden, Lee, Brooke, Tami, Marcus, Matty C., Matt S., Laura, Lindsay, Robert, Miranda, Melanie, Rich, Tommy, Shaman, Bob O., Saumer, ChaCha, Shawn, Ben, Joe, Amanda, Ammy, and Holland...

I sincerely thank you all for being in my life. You continue to mirror back to me the best that I am, accepting all my flaws and shortcomings, validating my path and my person. I must be blessed beyond all imaginings to be gifted with such amazing friends. You have all helped to ease my pain. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I love you. You make my heart happy.