It's really amazing to see this year come to an end. It was so incredibly dynamic, so full, so... memorable.
My show!!! I mean, really, that was THE highlight of the my 2011! Over a decade, I spent dreaming of that exact birthday show. It was in my favorite venue. It had all the elements - the band, the set, the dancers, the choir, costumes, lights, video, photos, body painters, belly dancers... WOW! Tears in my eyes just thinking of it! Such a great reminder that everything happens at just the right time, in just the right way. Throughout the ten years of dreaming of this show, I don't think there was ever a time before when I had all the elements - the music, the performers, the resources, the support - until this year. So many moments of panic in the past that I'd never make it happen... but I did. Exactly when it was truly time. I learned so much from that entire process, and grew as an artist, producer, and business woman. But as I look back right now, timing is the big lesson standing out in my brain. For all the other dreams and desires of my life, I needn't worry. They are all on their way, in their own perfect time. All I need to do is precisely what I'm already doing: being the best me I can be, each and every day. Never losing faith.
What a gift that I was able to travel to my Mexican home twice this year, and am realizing how much I expanded my community of friends there! I hadn't really thought about in until now, but it's quite true... it's the first time in years and years that I put myself out there, all on my own (no husband, or boyfriend, or tour-guiding other friends or family members), and found several new circles of friends: hanging out with the Farias kids (now grown!), Cesar and his crew, Jaime and Elio and the Argentinians, the Italian posse, the djs, the photographers. My world expanded there - from the old school friends that built that town with me, to this next generation who have exploded the scene, and welcomed me into it. Playa has always been intended as a home for me. I believe it divinely ordered so. I am ever requested by friends, old and new, to come down soon for a visit. I am ever accepted, enjoyed, loved and missed. Sometimes, I feel like if and when I ever do move back, the town is so big and advanced now, that I wouldn't find my place. But it's not true. I always have a place there. I am always lovingly welcomed. I am surrounded by friends and family who light up when they see me. My joy and inspiration, my heart, all come alive there. My soul's roots are in Playa del Carmen. This expanded reality was a huge gift this year.
I fell in love this year. I fell in love for the first time in at least half a decade... but this love was entirely different from any that came before. I was entirely different. I came into this love more whole, as a person, than I had ever been in my life. I was independent, self-sufficient, and truly happy to be on my own and thriving - not looking for anyone or anything outside to "complete" me. So, I was able to love mor purely and beautifully and gracefully than ever before. I didn't project needs or expectations. I didn't pressure. True, I had many hopes and desires, but only because the man I loved was the most worthy I had ever known.
Heartbreaking, then, that it wasn't meant to be. Brings tears to my eyes even now, almost 3 months after the fact. In this time, I have come to see more work and mending needed yet, on myself, in my core, and realize that until the work is done, this love nor any other can be mine. I'm so close... and the love that I discovered in me this year was a true gift, and a reminder that even greater love awaits me... just as my other dreams and desires... all on their way, in their own perfect time.
I reunited with my family, after several years of separation. We suffered great losses in these last years, and 2011 was another devastating blow. Two of the kindest, most gentle-hearted men of our family closed their eyes forever. We've lost so much strong, beautiful, kind, gentle male presence in our family... we women are really gonna have to step it up, and get our shit straight, and endeavor to better ourselves in their honor! But I digress.... While it was painfully difficult to reunite under such sad circumstances, I am full-heartedly grateful that by the end of the year, I was able to come together with both sides of my family in merriment, joy and love. We are a strong-willed, intelligent, determined bunch, which can cause friction and separation, especially for those who remain stuck in their beliefs, judgments, and opinions. But we are also sensitive, loving, passionate and creative, and I was so happy to experience some of those shining qualities with my family this year. Reminded me of the good stuff in all of them, and in myself, as well.
Musically, it was a phenomenal year! Aside from my show, it was one of the most prolific songwriting years I remember... maybe in a decade! I was blessed to have so many talented producers, writers, djs and musicians offer their music to me, and I was so inspired! New favorites poured out of me, and my repertoire is now enhanced by new styles and genres, and uplifting lyrical content. I had opportunities to perform with new people, to make music videos, to have multiple amazing photo shoots! Even my choir has transitioned, and has become its own powerhouse of musical sensation and delight. I have been sought for my expertise and ability. I have been recognized and honored. I am daily encouraged with messages inquiring about my next project, or show, or when the cd will be coming out. Though I still get frustrated not to be farther along on this path than I feel I should be, I see that I truly have some into my own as a vocalist, writer, producer, director and teacher. I have nothing to fear. It's happening, it's already here, unfolding one layer at a time.
The other great feat of 2011 for me, was that I was confronted once again with my dark side, and depression. Due to heartbreak, family pains old and new, and the loss of my job, the dark road beckoned me. I danced morbidly back and forth for some weeks between the crossroads and the path of broken glass. One day in particular, almost out of body, overwhelmed with pain, I met and confronted this great challenge - but not alone. With the help from some very special friends and the support of an amazing community, I accepted help. I did not succumb to the callings of the dark mistress... and all my little inner demons... I chose, instead, to breathe. Isn't that amazing? To say "breathing saved my life" seems... well, what would the word be? Ludicrous? Obvious? But it did, it has. I saved my life by taking support when it was offered, and remained open enough to accept new (however uncomfortable) opportunities. It was a test. A test I presented myself. And I passed. And now, I'm on the upwards turn of the wheel again. And proud of myself, and grateful to all those surrounding me with love.
Wow! 2011 was certainly a dynamic and amazing year, and full of growth in each and every way. A huge success. I am really pleased...
And so tonight, what a blessing that I get to celebrate both this incredible year that has passed, and te new 2012 coming in, singing on stage, with beloved friends! I feel prepared and excited... it should be a blast!
At this time, I have no clear vision of 2012, and what I may choose to manifest. I'm okay with that. Ideas float around about projects and music and travel and love... but I'm not attached to any of it. All I want right now, is to work on my health and my body, to continue on my spiritual journey, to accept this prosperity and keep working hard, to be open to new people and places and opportunities, and to live each day with a grateful heart. The rest will come. It's already on its way.
Thank you 2011... and welcome 2012....
Emily
Posts
