A Reconciliation with Anger

Confronted by my anger these past few days, and reflecting upon its very nature, and effects, I come to find that I am, in fact, delighted by its force.

I have always been chided by others for the intensity and fierceness of my rage... comical (to me, at least), because the real depth and full expression of it have really only ever been witnessed by a humbled few.  This makes me laugh to myself (snickering witch that I am), for in knowing how transgressed people have become in catching wind of my heat, and how it has utterly changed one's previous estimation of my good nature and expansive heart, I muse to myself, "If only they had seen the REAL me..."

The truth about my anger is this: it has never come without warrant, and most usually, only after a series of offenses have amassed.  I don't just fly off the handle for no good reason, nor am I prone to express myself in an unjust manner (hence, the reason why so few have actually seen the true ire of my fire).  I am not without my social graces, despite what anyone would say - I am entirely deliberate in my deliveries, and thoughtful in my thrashings.  And, on occasion, when I admittedly overstep my boundaries (God help the melodrama - but I am a performer, after all), I am quick to take responsibility and own and accept my trespasses.  So, really, by most demonic standards, I prove to be most winning in my arguments - if only for my sense of propriety, if not for my argument alone.

Another virtue of my vexation (before I begin to sound immodest), is that for as grand and as awesomely awful as my furies may be, they are short lived (thank the sweet Goddess), and usually blow over just as soon as they are let out.  Those that linger, however (and mind you!), those more deeply rooted umbrages which cannot be loosed by earthquake or explosion, those are ones to worry over.... chained to a deeper pain from this life or another, these tempt my violence - which even I wouldn't dare to guffaw.

However, I have come to respect, admire and celebrate my anger - particularly as I age, in my refinement of rage - for my enmity serves me in more ways than I had previously known.  Most clearly, it stands as guardian of the boundaries of my deeper spirit.  Where my heart or mind may convince me otherwise in any trying situation, my anger stands firm where I, or others would betray my very self.  It jumps to the quick in my own defense, when I have lost sight of my own good sense, harkening me to see that now is not the time for patience, compassion or to forgive - now is the moment when Kali rises with Her sword at the neck, with Her enduring threat that should you take one more step, utter one more word, or cast one more look, you will become sashimi for Her feast of fury.

Ironically, anger serves best in love as well - or rather, where love is not, or can no longer be.  Giving into tears and grief when the heart has been betrayed only prolongs the process - how many women have you known to sing their doleful dirge for weeks, months, even years after love has left them?  I'd count myself as one of them, except that after all my horrid experiences, I find I have been most utterly cried out.  This has proven to be a great boon, for anger is now the star of the show.... and when the heart ices over rather than melts, one can skate her way to a  brand new day.  No more being mired in the mush - I prefer a surer foothold on more solid ground.

It's true: anger usually bears its face, concealing a deeper sadness or fear.  But, isn't that also a brilliant attribute?  For when I fall to pieces, or cower in a corner, I become vulnerable to others abuses and manipulations - those vicious vampires who glamour a weakened mind so easily, head flopped to one side or the other in grief and despair, exposing the juicy jugular they come to feed upon.  But when I bare my teeth, and growl from the depths of my being, others take heed with speed.  My anger becomes the source of their fear, and they may throw nasty comments about me in the air, or gossip about my supposed cruel intentions.... but they reveal in their slandering their own vulnerabilities, and they never dare to come near.

Anger is fire and passion - it motivates and drives.  It is an unstoppable and unyielding power, an uncontainable energy, a force which cannot be reckoned.  Even the gods have been praised for their mighty vengeances.  And, don't we all bow to the power and might of a hurricane, wildfire, earthquake, or flood?

Many have tried to shame me throughout my life for my anger, and today I throw your shame back in your own face.  I celebrate, I honor, and I cherish my anger.  It is one very strong component which makes up the totality of me, and I will not deny it.  The Goddess gives and the Goddess takes away.

And when all has burned to the ground, new life shoots up into the cleared skies of day.

On Loving a Powerful Woman

"Men are intimidated by you, because you are a powerful woman, " he said.

I looked him square in the eye and replied, "RIGHT.  Which is exactly why I need a powerful man who is not afraid, and who is confident in himself.  I cannot give away my love to lesser men anymore."

He said he felt like if I were a "normal" woman (I interrupted to clarify what he meant by a "normal" woman... apparently, one who is not as "powerful" as he deems me to be), that if I were this "normal" woman, he would likely not only be fully on board, but steering the ship, and pulling me up along his side.

"That makes no sense," I said.

"I KNOW!" he replied.

I thought about it more this morning.

I realized that if he (or any man) were with a "normal" woman, they would end up tiring of her sooner or later.  A "normal" woman wouldn't challenge him, or help his spirit to grow.  She would be more dependent on him - the kind of woman that thinks she needs a man to complete her, to make her happy, or make her life easier, or fulfill some fairytale story she's had programmed into her mind about how her life is SUPPOSED to be.

This neediness and codependence (which men heartily complain about amongst themselves) actually fulfills some vain, egoic desire which has also been programmed into the male minds, about how their lives are supposed to be - the hero, the rescuer, the strong man who swoops in and takes care of the frail woman who needs him so.

I have been this woman at other times in my life, and I have had men who played that role very well.  It always ended the same: after the story plays out, and the "normalcy" really sets in, the man begins to feel drained.  He becomes resentful of the woman, and bored with her.  Just as she is starting to settle in to her "happily ever after, " he is looking for his method of escape - to be freed from the cage of the needy woman, whose frailty has become an annoyance, and whose attractiveness dwindles with every tapping into his every resource.

Like any dream worth having, partnering with a "powerful" woman requires much more from the man. He will be initially attracted to her for all her obvious gifts, talents, strength and beauty.  He will admire her independence, her emotional maturity, and her ability to reason.  He will consider that, maybe, he has finally found a woman who can match HIM, and will be turned on by the thought.... but soon, inevitably, the challenge presents itself:

"To be with me, you must be straight with yourself.  I am honest and direct.  I communicate my feelings and needs.  I have no need to lie, because I act with integrity, and my choices and behaviors reflect that.  I don't play games, and I have no time for emotional manipulation.

"To be with me, you must work hard - not because I need it, or depend on it, nor demand it - but because I work hard.  In order for you to feel confident, and to have the self-respect you need to balance a woman of great power, you will intrinsically be pushed by YOURSELF to succeed.

"To be with me, you will have to face your depths of emotion, and allow yourself to be vulnerable... for there will be times (as there are in all our lives) when you will struggle, and you will need to lean on my strength to help get you through.  You will have to swallow your pride, and trust that there is no shame in it, none at all!  But rather, a greater emotional maturity will be gained, making you more of a whole man.

"To be with me, you will need to be introspective, self-aware, disciplined, and striving to grow as a man, a human, a spirit.  There will be an ebb and flow in both our lives as we grow, but the rate of incline will be steady, and we will weather the seasons of our lives in balance, together."

Unlike the paradigm of partnering with a "normal" woman, where the requirement is based on supplying for her needs, to be with a "powerful" woman requires the deeper work of personal transformation.  It demands confronting the innermost sanctums of your soul, and understanding your spirit's mission in this life.  This is the work we are all meant to do, yet so few of us have the courage to see it through.

With a "powerful" woman at your side, you are supported in this mission.... and the rewards for living your soul's purpose are infinite, mostly because at the center of your being, you will be satisfied.  Unlike with the "normal" woman, who allows you to exist in a shallow superficiality, which might be comfortable and even look good to you and those around you, but will inevitably and always leave you with the feeling that it is not enough, that there is something more out there, and that somehow this relationship is preventing you from getting it.  You will look externally - at other women, at acquiring possessions, by turning to vices - to try to sate that hunger...

But that hunger is your own spirit that needs to be fed... and that sustenance lies solely in the abundant love of the "powerful" woman.

Aho!