Gratitude (journal entry: November 25, 2010)

Thanksgiving Morning.

Tears of gratitude wash over my eyes. The sun sparkles and glistens on yesterday's new fallen snow. My home is warm, and clean, and peaceful. My heart is full of the friendship and music of last night. Osho's fur smells like Dad (a mixture of wool and pure love). I have the whole day to follow my heart's content ~ be it to hang Christmas lights, start working on ideas for upcoming projects, cook, rest, visit friends... it's a holiday for my self, and I am already relishing in it!

I have so much to be grateful for, it's truly overwhelming. What an amazing time in my life! I see my own energy shining in my friends' eyes. I feel fire radiating out from within. I feel full, ever so full, like I'm about to burst! What a tremendous sensation, what a gift, what an honor and privilege...

I feel it most appropriate to make a list of all that I am grateful for this morning ~

1. My reunion with my true path and spirit

2. My good physical, mental and emotional health

3. My wide community of friends and supporters

4. The unique and meaningful relationships I share with my band mates

5. The abundance of inspiring, creative energy surrounding me

6. The many new and inspiring personal connections I've made this year

7. Reuniting with my Mother

8. Osho and Lilly ~ and The Bird

9. My beautiful, warm, clean home

10. My roommate, and this new journey together

11. My faraway friends who remain ever close to my heart

12. The amazing performance opportunities I enjoyed this year

13. The abundance of new, creative opportunities on the horizon

14. THAT I CAN SING!!!

15. My successful recovery from spinal surgery, and the Universe picking up the tab for it!

16. The children in my life, who bring so much joy

17. My enduring friendship with Jan Kimes, my greatest mentor

18. The growth and energy of Cantara, and its members

19. My StageCoach family, who continue to support me year after year

20. My new dream job given to me this week!

21. That I have been "out of the fog" from my addiction to marijuana for almost a year now

22. To be free of unhealthy relationships

23. To be independent and following my bliss

24. For the courage, strength, grace and dignity with which I have met life's difficult challenges

25. For clarity of thought and vision

26. For true faith, and understanding that if I put in the work, the Universe will support me

27. For Dr. Tom

28. That people feel they can reach out to me in times of crises and confusion

29. For the family members who have ever stood by my side and loved me unconditionally

30. For my Father's spirit, which is ever with me, guiding and assisting me along my path

31. For the many skills and talents I have been blessed with

32. That I awaken most days happy, energized and excited to live another day!

33. For my morning cup of tea

34. For the journals I've been keeping all these years (for them keeping me sane)

35. For the beautiful flowers on my table

36. For my open heart and mind

37. For the story of my life ~ fascinating, unique, and intensely interesting as it is!

38. For my self-confidence and self-assuredness, and the ability to accept new challenges

39. For my FEARLESSNESS!!!

I'm certain there's so much more than that, as I celebrate this past year. I conceived of a realistic plan, made seasonal goals, and took the small steps along the way to ensure my success. I am thrilled with the results. How far I've come in a year ~ how much has changed! Looking ahead now, realizing what I have cultivated and will now demand my tending to is overwhelming:

2 StageCoach schools

Teaching at Heartbeat Studios

Artistic Director of a new club

2 Cantara choirs

Debut cd project

Birthday show extravaganza

Priestess studies

Not even mentioning relationships, or other personal goals and ambitions! It almost seems crazy ~ except that I know I can do it all! I know I can accomplish all of these things now, and I WILL! I am living the life I've always wanted, elevating to the next level, rising to the occasion to meet my success!

"Gratitude" doesn't even begin to cover how all of this makes me feel inside.

Thank you. Thank you all. Thank you, thank you, thank you...

The Dream of the Purple Journal

So, a few nights ago, I dreamed that I had dropped my purple journal (circa 2000) into a murky pond. Without hesitation, I dove in after it, and was able to hold my breath effortlessly for quite some time while I felt around the pond floor until I had it in my grasp.

The dream was interesting to me on three counts: first, the particular journal. I mean, I've been keeping journals since I was 8, have them going back through all the years of my life, and was curious as to why this one popped up into my subconscious. Secondly, I have a "thing" about dirty water - although I was raised in the Land of the Lakes, as soon as I spent a few years basking in the sun and turquoise waters of the Mexican Caribbean, I was never able to dip toe in brown lake water again - let alone scummy pond water! Third, that I dove in and was able to hold my breath, knowing on a very deep level the book must be saved, and that only I would find it. Unsure of what my subconscious message to myself was, I thought the best place to start would be with the journal itself.

Last night, I pulled it from its shelf, and opened to the first page, dated April 4 of 2000 (just as I had thought). I began to read the first few entries and was astonished at what I found: that ten years ago, when I was just 24 yrs old, the elements of my life mirrored directly (and almost entirely) my life today. I mean, it's so uncanny, my jaw completely dropped!

I had made some major life changes at that time - moved from Mexico back to the States, and was finding new work and new living situations. I was about a year out of my last relationship, and was enjoying my singlehood in the city. I had estranged myself from my sisters and family, as I felt myself reverting into bad patterns of my youth that no longer served me, and knew I needed space from them to free my spirit. I was ambitiously trying to record a solo debut cd, and planning a big show/extravaganza for its release. I was entering into the Women's Thealogical Institute, and their priestess training program, Cella. I was reflecting on the woman I was aspiring to be, and what steps would be needed to manifest and embody the envisioned qualities and characteristics...

I am currently writing about all of the exact same things - have filled 5 whole journals already this year, and now in journal 6 of 2010, am reflecting on how far I've come, and what still needs to be accomplished, as well as my plans for how to set about manifesting these goals and dreams. The words, the phrasings from ten years ago are almost identical to the words I write today... almost...

Ten years. I am reminded of the numbers ace through ten in the Minor Arcana of the Tarot. When I explain the numbers to people, I ask them to imagine that ace through nine is a long cycle of life, with little mini-cycles in between. By the time you reach ten, you are at the beginning of the next big, long cycle - but it's not something entirely new. With this cycle, you take with you all that you experienced and learned from the ace through nine cycle before... which, hopefully, is a lot of wisdom, maturity, resources, developed skills and talents. You have been winding your way into the labyrinth of your spirit, and are considerably deeper in, but are beginning the next phase, or have fallen back onto the true path of your soul and ready to move forward. Man, does this all resonate like crazy for me right now!

In going back to the dream, after reading these entries and reflecting on these cycles of life, what stands out most is the journey itself. The visions for my life, my work, my purpose, my spirit have always been clear - articulated beautifully in these books of my decades. However, at that young age, I also am able to see the impatience, the disappointment when plans changed, the difficulty in holding fast to the goals and dreams, while simultaneously being flexible and bending with life. I spent so much of my 20s struggling against life, relationships, bosses, etc. Now, what's changed most is my enthusiasm for the ride: knowing that it's the process, not the product, that holds the real joy, the real transformation, the real manifestation and expression of the spirit. I'm no longer excited only by the dream, but by the satisfaction of undertaking the real work to make the dream come true. That's been a huge lesson for me.

So, I'm not so surprised I dove head first into the murky pond of my past, to retrieve the stories of me. All of these years, all of the dramas and traumas, the blessings and gifts, the fights and the fury, as well as the immeasurable love - all are so sacred to me. All have brought me to where and who I am now: a strong, capable woman who is fighting against complacency and intent on striving farther, and working harder to make those dreams a reality. There is nothing I wish to let go of, or to forget. Indeed, I am able to look back, despite past and even recent upsets and betrayals, and honor each experience for the lesson and wisdom gifted to me. I wouldn't trade my life for anything in the world.

Book rescued, rinsed the muck from my skin, breathing deep and steady... ready to get back to the clear-blue sea of my mid-30s. I may be far away from the safety of the shallows, but am pretty sure I have the wisdom now to save myself in dangerous waters...

(... and getting closer to the one-eyed Sea Hag for our long overdue conversation...)

Bamboozled

It's a bit of a crisis over here.

Everything has been ticking along so well ~ I have, for months now, felt so empowered, confident, beautiful, loved, and on my path. I have accomplished most of the work and goals I set for myself this year. I am gearing up for another year ahead, filled with more success, more joy, more love... and know that I am entirely capable of manifesting it all.

I remain optimistic and positive about who I am and where I'm at, and where I'm headed to. But upon receiving some dire information regarding my former marriage recently, I am quite bereft. I learned of a betrayal so great, that it forces me to look back and realize my marriage was a sham. My life as I knew it and understood it - good and bad - now needs to be reconsidered entirely. Having to re-write your past is a terribly difficult thing to do... which I well know. This is my third time in a row. Three men in ten years, and I was bamboozled by them all.

I think that one of the most beautiful things about me is my pure heart. I feel everything so very deeply - at times to my detriment. When I'm happy, I am overjoyed. When I am sad, I am wading black depths many will never know. And when I love, my whole giant, bright and beautiful spirit opens up wide for my beloved. I love purely, truly, with good intention, and faith.

I also ignore red flags and my intuition, forgive when I shouldn't, and sacrifice too much. I am recognizing this more and more, and am trying so hard to be ever vigilant, to forbid these kinds of con-artists, users and abusers from receiving the gift of my true love - which they would relish in, and absorb, all the while committing terrible offenses and reciprocating with pain. I think it's incredibly unfair, that a spirit so loving and open as mine should be forced to wilt back and become hardened and guarded because of bad men who have taken advantage of the power of my love. But, as we all know, fair-shmair.... life isn't so neat.

I feel such anger towards these men. My brain just cannot wrap itself around how a person can paint a picture, a reality we both share, all the while carrying on in secret and subversive ways. That they would continually question my motives, my fidelity, my commitment, which I would time and again have to fight to try to prove... while, in the end, these were their crimes. I would give and give while my needs were unmet. Would try harder, love stronger, admonish myself for my own selfishness and my doubts, when I should have been listening to my spirit's warnings. It wasn't wrong on my part to love as I did. My fault was in betraying my self, and sacrificing my own essence to try to win their love and approval.

I feel sad, mostly, about what these betrayals have ultimately done to my beautiful heart. A year after being separated and divorced, I had already decided the walls needed to go up ~ that I am in need of much inner healing before I can trust a new relationship, and trust my ability to choose a true and fitting partner for me and my life. After I had already grieved the wrongdoings on both parts in my marriage, to now discover that what was really happening was so horrible, so ugly... well, there is now a steel cage erected around the walls. I am volleyed back and forth in this cage of rage and pain.

What's even more frustrating is that there is simply nothing one can do in these situations. When you are involved with sociopaths who lack empathy and live in a world of lies and corruption of the spirit, they are unable to feel your pain, much the same way they were unable to truly love. I entertain the idea of writing a letter, to express my deep sadness, in hopes that he would somehow care, somehow want to make it right. But I already know from trying it in the past that it's a futile effort. I would not get the response I most hope for. He will not be able to soothe the pain he created. It is my job to heal myself (which also seems tremendously unfair), and I know that road very well. It will take time.

So, being an eternal optimist, I try to look for the blessings and lessons in the situation. For one (and most importantly) I am already out of that toxic relationship, and have been rebuilding an independent life that has allowed me to truly express my spirit and my true purpose. I also stand in the center of a vast circle of love and support. I have learned that as I date and have romances with new partners, I must listen very carefully to my intuition, and to heed the red flag warnings. I have also learned that as I know how much I give to another when I love, I should expect nothing less in return. If I am not receiving it, from the get-go, I need to walk away.

I never know who reads these blogs. I'm sure many of you have been through similar experiences. Or maybe you are one of those who betray the love that is given you. To those of the latter, I say this: you destroy the integrity and beauty of the heart and spirit which loves you by your deceit. You may think you are getting away with something. You may even convince yourself that because you are not getting something you want from your beloved, that you are justified in your wrongdoings. You lie to yourself, your beloved, and to God/Goddess/the Universe by these actions. You may get away with it. Your beloved may never be able to do anything about it to hold you accountable. But, in time, you will suffer the consequences... for you cannot escape the power of the Great Spirit. You are simply not that smart, clever or mighty.

As for me, I recognize that I must allow myself to feel this betrayal. I must process these emotions, and come to terms with them. I do not wish to wade in this mire for long, however... this man has already taken too much of my power and energy, and deserves no more. I will continue on my path of righteousness and integrity, and be successful in my work, my relationships, and my spiritual evolution. He may or may not find the same success in his life, but I am most certain he will forever walk under the shadow of his corruption.