The Real Lap of Luxury

I am living in the lap of luxury.

It's not about things people, not about the things at all. I look around at my surroundings, and examine MY things... a hand-me-down dining room table, clothes hanging in my closet that have been there for a decade or more, a tv in my bedroom not even hooked up to any cable. I have no assets - no expensive jewelry, no fancy car, and I've never been a homeowner.

Yet I wake up every morning happy, and almost tearfully grateful for another day in this amazing life. From the minute I open my eyes, I am excited for the day ahead - even knowing it may be filled with challenges or stresses - because it is my day, every day, to live as I choose and to be whomever I wish to be. How could I consider myself anything other than absolutely stinking filthy rich?

I am far from famous. I have certainly not acquired any kind of national, regional or even local renown, despite the hundreds (if not thousands) of performances given, songs sung, dances tricked out. A fellow local singer was introduced to my music the other day, and she said "Yeah, I've heard of her - she's a hippie chick, right?" Not quite. But how would she know? I am a tiny speck on the map of these times, that wouldn't even show up unless you zoomed way in.

But I am surrounded by a community of people that at this moment are working hard on my behalf: editing my music, building my website, writing up press releases, setting up an LLC, drafting budgets, designing marketing campaigns, learning songs, choreographing routines, sketching costume designs, building sets. They are all friends. They are all people who believe in my vision, and support it, and are themselves fulfilled to be a part of it.

More than that, there is an even wider community of people who love me, and express their love for me, on a daily basis. People interested in my goings-on, friends who come to me for counsel and exchange meaningful and uplifting conversation, and beloveds who pop in just to share moments of affection ~ snuggling in to watch a movie, kissing the top of my head, embracing me in a long, deep hug.

How could I not feel like the center of the universe? How could I ever feel lonely? In fact I do, at times, but have to immediately laugh it off. I am as cared for and catered to as the queen of England, for all I can see.

The definitions of luxury:

1. Something inessential but conducive to pleasure and comfort.

2. Something expensive or hard to obtain.

3. Sumptuous living or surroundings.

From my view, absolutely anything material is inessential, but conducive to pleasure and comfort. I've said before, all I really need to be happy is a place to sleep, food to eat, and a regular bath. Anything more is luxury. From the towel I would dry myself with, to the rings I put on my fingers. All are luxury items to me.

Inner peace and true joy elude most people living in this world. They seem to be the hardest things in life to obtain. Though they have no monetary value, they do come with a price: hard work, a willingness to release fear and pain, introspection, and time devoted to acknowledging spirit. To awaken to each day with a joyful heart is pure luxury, and worth more than anything in the world that money could buy.

Sumptuous living and surroundings... this is more subjective, I think. I am right now in a warm home, on a comfortable bed draped in a $60 bedding set, whose beauty I cherish. I look forward at the wall, with a framed sketch of Billie Holiday, made for me by a dear friend way back in high school. I see my clothes, bright and colorful, hanging in the closet next to me. Everything I look upon is pleasing to my eyes, and gives me a feeling of comfort and contentment. I have everything I need, and more. I have abundant luxury surrounding me.

"Perception is key", they say. "It's all a matter of how you look at things." "Do you see the glass half-empty, or half-full?"

I live in the lap of luxury. The good life. Pura vida. It's not about the things, it's just a matter of how you see the things. Try on my rose-colored glasses for awhile. It's a wonderful, magical, most blessed world.

Gratitude (journal entry: November 25, 2010)

Thanksgiving Morning.

Tears of gratitude wash over my eyes. The sun sparkles and glistens on yesterday's new fallen snow. My home is warm, and clean, and peaceful. My heart is full of the friendship and music of last night. Osho's fur smells like Dad (a mixture of wool and pure love). I have the whole day to follow my heart's content ~ be it to hang Christmas lights, start working on ideas for upcoming projects, cook, rest, visit friends... it's a holiday for my self, and I am already relishing in it!

I have so much to be grateful for, it's truly overwhelming. What an amazing time in my life! I see my own energy shining in my friends' eyes. I feel fire radiating out from within. I feel full, ever so full, like I'm about to burst! What a tremendous sensation, what a gift, what an honor and privilege...

I feel it most appropriate to make a list of all that I am grateful for this morning ~

1. My reunion with my true path and spirit

2. My good physical, mental and emotional health

3. My wide community of friends and supporters

4. The unique and meaningful relationships I share with my band mates

5. The abundance of inspiring, creative energy surrounding me

6. The many new and inspiring personal connections I've made this year

7. Reuniting with my Mother

8. Osho and Lilly ~ and The Bird

9. My beautiful, warm, clean home

10. My roommate, and this new journey together

11. My faraway friends who remain ever close to my heart

12. The amazing performance opportunities I enjoyed this year

13. The abundance of new, creative opportunities on the horizon

14. THAT I CAN SING!!!

15. My successful recovery from spinal surgery, and the Universe picking up the tab for it!

16. The children in my life, who bring so much joy

17. My enduring friendship with Jan Kimes, my greatest mentor

18. The growth and energy of Cantara, and its members

19. My StageCoach family, who continue to support me year after year

20. My new dream job given to me this week!

21. That I have been "out of the fog" from my addiction to marijuana for almost a year now

22. To be free of unhealthy relationships

23. To be independent and following my bliss

24. For the courage, strength, grace and dignity with which I have met life's difficult challenges

25. For clarity of thought and vision

26. For true faith, and understanding that if I put in the work, the Universe will support me

27. For Dr. Tom

28. That people feel they can reach out to me in times of crises and confusion

29. For the family members who have ever stood by my side and loved me unconditionally

30. For my Father's spirit, which is ever with me, guiding and assisting me along my path

31. For the many skills and talents I have been blessed with

32. That I awaken most days happy, energized and excited to live another day!

33. For my morning cup of tea

34. For the journals I've been keeping all these years (for them keeping me sane)

35. For the beautiful flowers on my table

36. For my open heart and mind

37. For the story of my life ~ fascinating, unique, and intensely interesting as it is!

38. For my self-confidence and self-assuredness, and the ability to accept new challenges

39. For my FEARLESSNESS!!!

I'm certain there's so much more than that, as I celebrate this past year. I conceived of a realistic plan, made seasonal goals, and took the small steps along the way to ensure my success. I am thrilled with the results. How far I've come in a year ~ how much has changed! Looking ahead now, realizing what I have cultivated and will now demand my tending to is overwhelming:

2 StageCoach schools

Teaching at Heartbeat Studios

Artistic Director of a new club

2 Cantara choirs

Debut cd project

Birthday show extravaganza

Priestess studies

Not even mentioning relationships, or other personal goals and ambitions! It almost seems crazy ~ except that I know I can do it all! I know I can accomplish all of these things now, and I WILL! I am living the life I've always wanted, elevating to the next level, rising to the occasion to meet my success!

"Gratitude" doesn't even begin to cover how all of this makes me feel inside.

Thank you. Thank you all. Thank you, thank you, thank you...

Choices

I don’t think a day goes by that I don’t acknowledge and give thanks for the many blessings that have been bestowed on me in this life. I have a strong mind, an able body, good health, beauty, a vast community of friends and loved ones, and many, many talents. I count them to myself in detail regularly, because, like everyone else, I have also suffered many hardships, many losses, and live with a deep, unrelenting sadness. When the difficulties are most great, and as I weaken, I have often succumbed to this sadness with wild abandon. I have battled depression my whole life, have lived in the bowels of darkness often, and have slow-danced with thoughts of death as a means to release the pain just as I pound the stage in five-inch heels to emanate my greatest joy. It’s a common story, I know. Such is the artist’s life.

In times like these, when I am most connected to my true spirit, most at peace with my daily routine, and relatively happy, I work extra hard at counting blessings. I feel that if I make the extra effort now, that when difficulties surface, I will already be too entrenched in the road of stability to be too easily swayed onto the path of self-destruction. It’s a process that continues to evolve as I continue to learn. At the moment, I feel so strong that I can’t imagine ever feeling so sick of life again. But, if there’s one certainty I’ve learned, it is that things change. What goes up must come down, and vice versa. I just keep trying to heal, heal, heal to avoid, if possible, that hungry demon that lies in wait to feed upon me when my strength of will falters.

When I think of this yo-yo dynamic in my emotional life, I am mindful of choices. One of my greatest blessings that I am always cognizant of are the endless choices and opportunities that present themselves in my life. At times, I’m even overwhelmed by the many doors that open on a regular basis. It can be downright confusing! There’s only so much time in a day, only so much energy to expend – how does one know which doors to enter, and which ones to graciously walk away from? We never know the outcome of our endeavors, and our imaginings of the end results can be misleading – projects or opportunities that seem certain and destined to go one way tragically end up falling short of our expectations. Given a few (or more) of these situations, we really begin to start doubting future opportunities – my mind will say: “Why would this work? It never has before!” or “Ha! Here’s someone else asking you to have faith – you can’t trust him! Don’t be foolish enough to take another risk!”

Getting older, I find myself in a curious predicament where I am offered more choices, and yet find it more difficult to make them. My network has expanded, my talents have grown – I am more in demand than ever! I celebrate this fact! This is what I was wishing for ten and twenty years ago when I was just starting out on my path. Back then, I would have leapt at the opportunities – well, actually, I did, which is exactly how I got burned and disappointed and disillusioned… and more discerning. I’m not twenty years old anymore. I can’t ignore the hard lessons I learned, the sadness I suffered, the desire to just quit it all, and throw in the towel for good! (Lol – I remember vowing I would “never sing again!” Like that could ever happen!) It was because of my naiveté, my innocence, my openness to try anything that I did, and was often times swindled, used, taken advantage of, and inevitably failed. The hungry demon ate for months of my life off of these failures. He became obese while I withered away to 95 pounds.

But I didn’t wither away completely. Obviously, I’m still here. Still trying. I had friends who came to my rescue more times than I probably remember – they weren’t about to let me forsake my dreams, for they believed in me. My father, too – how many road trips did that man make (cross-country even) from hearing my voice on the phone, and knowing I needed help. I needed him. You want to talk about blessings? A father’s love, a circle of friends, can sometimes mean the difference between life and death. Their love for me was a choice - a choice that humbles me everyday that I am still alive and enveloped in it.

Today, as I write this blog, there is an opportunity available to me, requiring my decision, and stat. It’s a door that I have long dreamed of entering that has never opened to me before. In it, there are great risks, uncertainties, sacrifices and hard work all awaiting me. I am simultaneously excited and filled with fear. My mind roller coasters in thoughts, and I have absolutely no idea what to do. Some friends tell me to take the plunge, leap into the void, dare to dream! Others caution that the sacrifices are too great, the risks too dangerous – they tell me to listen to my intuition. For days, I’ve been trying to listen to my intuition, and my inner voice is also confused. From my past experiences, I endeavor to be more discerning, to ask more questions, to confirm as many details as possible, to be cautious of slick-tongued promises from people I don’t know all too well. Yet, I have always been one to take a chance on a dream, for if I don’t, I will forever fester with that tired mantra, “What if? What if? What if?”

Choices aren’t always black and white – in fact, they rarely are. Sometimes, we just have to change our perspective a little bit. Maybe the lesson here isn’t to enter the door or to walk away. Maybe the lesson instead is to enter the door, but with a different swagger. This time, maybe I just won’t have any expectations. I won’t be fantasizing about the end result, thereby not setting myself up for failure. Maybe I’ll choose to seize the opportunity in an entirely new way – commit to the process as an entirely new learning experience meant to challenge me and to learn new skills (or new limitations to work on and overcome). Maybe I’ll work with a new circle of colleagues, which scares the shit out of me in many ways, but could also open new ideas and new doors for the future. Maybe the leap of faith this time isn’t even about the project so much as it is about me endeavoring to expand my self, my boundaries, and the parameters of my intellectual and creative properties. Or maybe this is me trying to talk myself into a risk I shouldn’t take. God damn!

Obviously, I remain uncertain about this decision. Tonight, maybe I’ll make a New Moon ritual – something I haven’t done in a very long time – and ask for guidance. My spiritual connection is also blessing, something I take for granted like most people, and come back ‘round to when I’m seeking help. Prayer is powerful. I believe the Universe wants to help me on my path, and sometimes to acknowledge Spirit directly, not just by giving thanks, but really investing in that relationship consciously, tells Spirit how best to help guide. Another choice I should make much more often.

Whatever the immediate choice will be, and whatever the choices in life – be they opportunities, relationships, mindsets, or what have you – and no matter how difficult it is to make them, I do take comfort that they are mine and mine alone. I will live with the consequences, good or bad, just as I always have. At the beginning and end of all our decisions is the greatest choice of all: life. I choose to keep on living and learning, through good times and bad. I choose to accept that no matter which way I go, Spirit is there to either support me or teach me. I choose to keep my overall sense of optimism that every choice I make serves a purpose. Yes, I choose life. I am content with my decision.