Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes...

Writing in my journal this morning, I touched on a topic that I felt worthy of sharing here.  For at the base of all our spiritual endeavors and personal growth, despite whatever path you take or manner you subscribe to, comes one common and key element: change.

I have often said, "There is only one constant in life, and that is change.  The more I am able to bend and flow with the waves of change coming in with each tide, the more smoothly I can charter the waters of my life."  While I have said this many times over the years, I have spent a great portion of my life resisting change.  Even when I knew that by making changes to any unsuccessful, unhealthy or undesired circumstance I was facing, that it would inevitably bring about a new experience (likely for the better), I would dig in my heels and flat out refuse to "give in."  That's how I saw it: a giving in.  A buckling.  A kowtowing to some greater force that thought it knew better than I what was best for me and my life?!  "I think not!"  I wanted to believe that my thinking was clear, my intentions were solid, and that I was worthy of my goals.... and maybe I was.  Maybe I truly was all of those things.  But what I wasn't accepting was that the very things I was sinking my teeth and nails into to, to hold on to for dear life, may not have been worthy of me.  For, at any given time, there are a multitude of unseen and unheard details which are hidden from us, which only God/dess knows.  I wasn't just refusing to change.  I was refusing to have faith that God was looking out for me.

Journaling this morning, I was commenting that for the past few days, I have been thinking of a man I feel in love with a year ago.  He lives in Costa Rica, and we met through mutual friends on facebook, intrigued by one another's work (I'm a singer, he's a photographer), each other's personality and personal expression, and (let's face it) a very profound mutual attraction.  It was at this time one year ago that he came to visit me for the first time.  In those two weeks of his visit, I found myself enveloped in a most incredible sensation of love for him - and possibly with him (though, in retrospect, I think we loved very differently).  I remarked that it's possible what I am sensing now, and the reason he's been in mind, is akin to an echo of this time and our experience together last year.  The weather is the same, the flowering plants and trees are reminiscent, the energy of late Spring, coming on Solstice time, is palpable.  What can I say?  It reminds me of him.

Although things didn't work out between us, I can honestly say that I shared a few days with him that I would rank among the best of my life.  For that alone, I feel tremendous gratitude.  Because of that, as well, the heartbreak I suffered was particularly deep and long lasting. We shared this very open, mutual, profound connection for all of six months, but it took about nine for me to truly detach from it, and from him.  The love I felt for him was unlike any I had experienced before, for I was more whole as a person when I met him than I had been in any of my past relationships.  So, there wasn't a need for love, or expectations of it.  It was truly pure and grounded and present... and if you have never experienced that kind of love, let me tell you, it is the most all-encompassing intoxicant one can share with another.

When things didn't work out, when the plans we had made were no longer going to come to fruition, I was forced to change.  There was no way around it.  I had suffered heartbreak before in all its depth and potential self-destructiveness, and knew that I didn't want to walk that dark road yet again in my life.  I focused on acceptance, and moving forward, and releasing the attachment.  I discussed it ad nauseum with my friends and therapist.  I read my tarot cards.  I confronted it through rebirthing breathwork.  I wrote about it, and wrote many songs about it.  I did all the things that I consciously knew I could.... but my emotions, my heart, refused to let go.

Refusing to change is a monologue in the mind.  It's a cd that's set to repeat over and over and over again.  It sounds like this: "But why did this happen?  Why, why, why?  Why did God bring this to me, only to take it away?  Why did this happen to me?  Why did he (or she or they) do this to me?  Why do I always fail?  Why am I not loved?  Why am I not appreciated?  Why can't it ever work out? Why, why, WHYYYYYYY??????!!!!!!"

Sound familiar?

In the nine months that followed the "break-up," I asked these questions even when I promised myself not to ask these questions.  I asked my self, my friends, my Mom, my colleagues, and even HIM! The answers were always the same: "It just is what it is.  These things happen.  It wasn't meant to be."  But these answers, while understanding them clearly on an intellectual level, had very little success in convincing my heart.

It was only a few months ago that I received the answer I was looking for.  Finally, at long last, information about him that had eluded me, or been hidden from me before, now came to the surface.  Now, I clearly saw that he wasn't the man he originally presented himself to be.  His words were not authentic, and so his actions were not in integrity with his words.  In the same way he betrayed my trust months before, now I saw that he was committing the same betrayal on the new woman in his life.  My perception of him changed instantly, now that I had the information I was previously unaware of.  I had been coming from an authentic place, expressing my self clearly, and behaving in alignment with my true spirit, but he wasn't.  He wasn't able to.  Not yet.  He may have talked a good game, and may even be striving towards becoming a person of honor and integrity and with a capacity for true and honorable love, as I was, and am... but that's the journey he's on.  My journey is different, and requires a partner who can meet me equally where I am at.  I thought he was that man.  But he simply wasn't.

God knew this, which is why it didn't work out.  Instead of having faith in that knowledge, I questioned all aspects of my self, my self-worthiness, my dignity and self-respect.  Yes, I felt genuine grief at the ending of a relationship, which is natural, and which always evokes emotions which need to be felt and honored.  But I allowed myself to stay mired unhealthily in those emotions, attached to an outcome that couldn't be - not because this man denied us both the potential of what seemed to be a true love, but because he was incapable of rising up to meet it.  On some level, consciously or unconsciously, he must have known that he wasn't there yet.  So, in essence, in his knowing of himself, he did the right thing by us both.  There is something better for me, better suited to me, already on its way.  I just needed to trust, to have faith, and to be patient.

One year ago today, I was with this beautiful man creating these memories which I will treasure for a lifetime.  I could never have imagined that in only one year, my life's story would look so completely different!  That's another lesson about change: from one day to the next, we can find ourselves heading in completely different directions from what we had ever expected.  Iyanla Vanzant wrote, "The things you anticipate never seem to happen, and the things that happen unexpectedly you probably wouldn't have ever anticipated."  In accepting change, we also release our attachments to outcomes and goals, and begin to live more peacefully in the present moment.  We accept that, ultimately, we have no control over what happens in our lives... we can only control how we respond to it.

One year ago today, my heart rose up and overflowed with love for this man.  Just now, as the rain comes down a little harder and the thunder rumbles nearer across the sky, my heart rises up with love and overflows for it.  For the rain.  For this beautiful, peaceful day in my warm, safe home.  For the inner feeling that I am whole and complete, not doubting myself, or second-guessing my life.  I am clear, I am in alignment with my highest good.  I trust that I am being divinely cared for, provided for, and loved.

In the end, the man brought months and months of tears, heavy with grief, betrayal, and loss.  In the now, this rain brings sweet tears of humbled gratitude and joy.  Things change.  Thank God.  

Passing the Recipe (a letter to a dear friend)

Recently, I received this email from a friend:

"I come to you as a crazy stressed out friend. I am uneasy, stressed, can't focus, can't concentrate, feel like something is lacking in my life. I can't put my finger on it. I NEED SOME PEACE. I am about to make myself crazy. I haven't been exercising, sleeping, eating normal-everything is out of whack! From your posts you seem like you are feeling peaceful and balanced. Pass a girl the recipe (please)!"

I went digging through the recipe cards of my life and experiences, and came upon this.  I've always had the greatest success with this delicacy, and the flavor and satisfaction linger on and on and on...

"Oh my sweet girl! You are in the midst of all kinds of transitions and changes.... it's like the universe has decided to feng shui your life, so it's no wonder you are feeling off kilter! That's what happens when we are transforming, and transitioning into our new lives, so be easy on yourself, to begin. Have compassion for yourself. Love yourself. These things must come first.

After that, there are certainly a host of all kinds of good disciplines you could choose for your life: the optimal words being "choice" and "discipline." Of course, I am always here for counsel, resources, ideas, listening, drinks - you name it! 

If there is a secret to life, the one I know is that the more energy I put into choices and disciplines that are GOOD for me and honor my true spirit, the more GOOD the universe has to offer me.

What's one thing you could do today that would honor your own highest good?.....

At the end of the day, we all know what we have to do. We might think we don't, but really we're avoiding our truth because we aren't sure if we can trust it. "What if I try, and it doesn't work out?" "That might work for some people, but not for me." "It doesn't really matter what I do... nothing will work out the way I want. I'm too ________ or not enough _________." There are millions of people who live with these kinds of self-sabotaging thoughts... spending their whole lives this way, and never REALLY trying what they KNOW they should do to change it.

How do you begin to change? By honoring the simple things first. Clean your house. Light a candle and say a prayer. Make a list of gratitude and look at it and add to it everyday. Change your diet for the better. Cut out more toxins. Exercise. Write. Garden. Think of the very people and the very things that hurt you the most, and sit with it until you can genuinely feel love for them in your heart, and then wrap a blanket of compassion and forgiveness around them, if even for a moment.

These are some ideas... and it's not like you're meant to dive into all of it at once. Change happens slowly, but steadily, one step at a time. Adopt one small new practice into your life - even the simplest one, like making the bed, or lighting a candle. Do that for a few days, a week or two... and then add another one. As you continue to add more and more "good" disciplines into your routine, your life simply MUST change for good. The universe sees your efforts, and rewards you... not big at first, not usually. That's why we get frustrated and quit - we say "Here I've been doing all of this, and God hasn't helped me at all!" But God is just waiting... waiting for that one moment when you almost give up... but then you try even harder.

The more good I keep adding into my life (waking up earlier, eating healthier, running farther, praying longer, singing louder, confronting my responsibilities BEFORE they become problems....) the BIGGER the gifts are from the universe. This has been a process of years for me, starting small, and working my way up to the place I am now, where I am genuinely EXCITED to do these things because I have well learned that when I don't, things go to shit! So, it's exciting to wake up in the morning and tend to my spirit, because then my spirit tends to me for the rest of the day in the most amazing ways!!!!

I also want to say that not only are you not alone, but I think we need to remember that there is a much greater force at work here. Our entire planet and universe is undergoing a tremendous shifting right now, and we are feeling it and having to navigate it with very little understanding of what's happening or why. The most that I know is that as our collective consciousness is transcending into an era of light, so the dark parts of our lives are being forced to fall away to bring us into our highest vibration of being. 

If relationships are ending, or work is changing, or good friends are falling away and new friends are coming into the scene, if people are suffering injuries or illness... all of these things are not for nothing. We have legions of angels and spirits working in each of our lives, stripping away what no longer serves us, and what cannot continue to exist for us in this new paradigm of love, and light.

What we are suffering in this transition is our attachments, which evoke very powerful emotions. You know I have always been an extremely deeply feeling person, but even I have learned that as much as I can be operating and reacting from knowledge versus emotion, I am able to flow much easier. It doesn't mean that I don't feel - no! I allow myself to feel. If I need to cry, I cry. If I need to scream, I scream. If I need to be alone, I take that time. But I consciously acknowledge that these are only emotions, that in the present moment I am safe and protected and loved and provided for, and instead of holding on to the feelings and wallowing in them, I feel them, and then move past them. They may resurface again in an hour, or the next day or next week. But I keep consciously acknowledging them, feeling them, and moving past them... And the more I do that, they show with less frequency and intensity, and I have more time and energy to devote to the positive practices I mentioned before.  Just remember, it's a slow and gradual process... baby steps, babe.

Choice. Discipline. Every single day we wake up, it's up to us to determine how we will live."

The Return of the Divine Feminine (or, at least, a spiritful woman)

I have been hearing the call for some weeks and months now to return to this blog, and recreate my discipline with it.  Each time I have sat down to write, I felt overwhelmed in trying to somehow "sum up" all that I have undergone in these months and years, which are about to inevitably change the tone and meaning of "This Woman's Work."  The work has changed.  My life has changed.  This transformation has been gradual, but also quite rapid, in looking at the big picture.  Trying to regurgitate the vast amount of experiences and steps along the journey would be futile - has been, which is I haven't been writing!  So, today I have decided just to spew from the top of my head whatever thoughts come, as a first step, knowing that the story will reveal itself once I simply get back into this saddle.

If I look back to when I first started blogging, it was three years ago, in what I see now as the most transformational year of my life.  I have written about it often here, so without going into so much detail, let's suffice to say: absolutely everything in my world from my family, to my marriage, to my work, to my music was stripped away from me.  The Universe swooped in to feng shui my life, but I had no idea what the hell was going on.  From my vantage point at that time, it made no sense and seemed unfairly cruel to be forced to accept, let alone survive, such massive upheaval, death and grief.  Writing here was part of my catharsis: I was able to bare my soul publicly through entries, poems, and songs, which made me feel somehow still connected to this world, and not entirely alone and on my own.  I wrote about my love life, my music, my desires, my family (much to their dismay), and pretty much anything that I couldn't contain healthily within me.  Writing has always served that purpose in my life... as a means to unburden myself of the thoughts and emotions which take up too much internal space for me to function in a rational way.  I wrote a lot in that first year or so, and as I began to heal and move forward on my new path, this blog was left behind.

A couple more years have passed since then and now, too much time to chronicle, really.  And anyway, it's all documented in my journals.  Who knows?  Maybe someday this amazing story of rebirth will be shared in its entirety.  But that's a huge project for another time, and mostly irrelevant for my new intentions here...

"This woman" has been doing her "work," and I have been posting little snippets of it here and there on facebook, which has resulted in the receiving of such heartfelt messages from such a vast and varied audience, supporting me on my path, encouraging me, and reflecting to me how my efforts have inspired them with their own.  For this reason, I have been feeling called to begin to document my work here in greater detail, with the intention that my journey, and the transparency with which I share it, will continue to inspire and motivate more and more people.  For, it is at this time on our planet that so many of us are awakening to our highest potentials, and others are in need of our assistance to help them along.

As I have made a spiritual discipline of my life, the true path of my soul becomes more and more visible and more in focus each and every day.  Lessons have been flying in, and I have become more adept at recognizing them, and have figured out this little nugget of wisdom: if we just learn the lesson, and do what it is we KNOW we are being asked to do, life gets easier and easier, and flows more smoothly than we could ever imagine!

I have transitioned from a lifetime (30+ years) of living in a state of lacking, of guilt and shame, of depression, of addiction, and of struggle into a state of abundance and prosperity, balance, true gratitude, prayer, service, and incredible compassion and love.

I awaken earlier and earlier each day, because I am excited to be alive!  I am tearfully blissful almost every morning, and feel spiritually connected to the Earth, to the Universe, and to everyone and everything around me as I walk through my days.

I no longer feel guilt or shame, because even when I make mistakes, I confess them immediately to myself, and to others, taking ownership and responsibility for my actions, and learning as much as I can from each and every situation to better prepare for the next.  I still make mistakes.  I still lose my temper.  I still have a ways to go... but without carrying that toxic load of emotional burden, I am better able to process and grow, even from my worst days (although there are less and less and less of those).

I have largely given up worrying!  Ha!  That was a big one for me!  I read a quote recently which exquisitely expressed a truth I have learned in these years: "If you are depressed, you are thinking of the past.  If you are anxious, you are thinking of the future.  When you are in the present moment, everything is in balance."  I have learned to be present in my life.  No longer ruing over things that have happened, things which can always easily trigger feelings of sadness, or anger, or longing.  Trying hard not to be dreaming of the future - the future which is unknowable, and which always ends up different than how we once imagined it would be.  I have been working on releasing my attachments to goals and end results, because we never know what will happen, or why!

I have learned to be PRESENT, to enjoy the PROCESS.  I have learned to trust in God/dess, that I am being divinely guided and protected, and things are unfolding exactly as they should for my life.  Living in this way, I am at peace.  I get to enjoy each and every day for what it is, and if anything, can trust that by living this way, in a good and peaceful way, the Universe is working even more swiftly and smoothly to bring about positive results in my life.

The list goes on and on, and I will be sharing with you what I am working on, techniques I am experimenting with, resources I turn to, and my progress as well as my setbacks.  We are all on this journey together, but in each of our own unique and individual ways, learning the lessons our spirits most need in order to transcend the old patterns and habits and ideologies which have kept us mired in a reality that doesn't suit is, or our true purpose in life.

Instinctively, somewhere deep inside, we know that there is a better way, a better life waiting for us, but it seems so far-fetched... these books we read, or new age stories we hear on tv, all seem too simple or kinda hocus-pocusey (is that a word?).  Well, I am a very average, white woman from Minnesota.  I have bared my many pains and struggles to you all here before.  Maybe there was a greater purpose in that too: so that as I write of this new life now, you can easily go back and see that the changes I have made are attainable for everyone.

Just as I am sharing with you, others are sharing with me.  We are all both the students and the teachers - no one of us is higher or better or further along than the next.  We are all exactly where we are meant to be, and I wish to say that I HONOR YOU, whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever good or fucked up things you are doing in your life.  You are perfect.  However you are embracing your life, or denying it, you are unquestionably learning from it.  That's the most any of us can do.

So, thank you for reading this less-than-eloquent introduction to the new day here at "This Woman's Work."  I hope you will come back to visit, or even "follow" me here, to be sure you don't miss anything.  I welcome your respectful and honest feedback and comments.  I welcome the opportunity for mutual sharing.

From my most genuine heart, I love you.  Whoever you are, you are divine, and as much a part of the Great Cosmic Source as I.  We are all connected.  I love you as an extension of my own being.

Blessing you on this day, and for all the days to come....

emily