A Very Different Valentine's

It's a very different Valentine's this year....

As many of you know, my beloved father passed away on Valentine's Day, now four years ago.  There is an echo from that broken day which still resounds, however more faintly than in years before.  As I prayed to him this morning, I was happy to say that my heart has mostly healed from his passing, and my grief rides a much gentler breeze, which only wafts in now and again.  I thought, maybe by now, I am but a part of his cellular memory - that in his transitioning, hopefully, he has moved on from this life, and I am now embedded into the core of his being, along with all his other lifetimes passed.  In thinking of it this way, it seemed like yet another blessing in being alive - that for as long as I am here, my memory of him is vividly intact, and I may continue to enjoy him, laugh at him, love him.... and cherish him with all my heart.

Indeed, I have been at peace with my father for a long time now, accepting his loss as part of my life.  Until recently, when the depths of my grief came back with a great vengeance... when I found out I was pregnant.  When it occurred to me that my child would never know this most amazing man who would have been his loving and doting Papa, I became overwhelmed with despair.  Inconsolable, I called my Mom, who told me she had thought of this as well.  She offered this perspective: that Dad, in the other world, had already known this child before he even came to me.  That my Dad had held this baby, and kissed him and loved him, before sending him on his way here.  A big part of me feels that reasoning sounds so fairy-tale-like... and yet, I have chosen to believe that story with every fiber of my being.  I have had to find solace, once again, in my memories of my father - that I will pass onto my son all that my father has gifted me, and in that way, my boy will know his Papa.  Those are some big shoes for me to fill.... good thing I feel he prepared me well.

I thought Valentine's Day had been forever ruined for me because of my father's death, yet although the tears are flowing this morning, there is no way for me to overlook the love that is now enveloping me in my life.  It is the first Valentine's since his passing that I have even had a beloved - and not one, but two!  With this baby boy inside me, and this incredible man with his arms around me, I am wrapped into the most beautiful bundle of love I have ever known.  As I look back over my life, I don't think I've ever had this kind of mutual, reciprocal love.  I had truly given up believing it could ever exist, because it never had.  I wasn't looking for it, and certainly wasn't expecting it.  But somehow, love has found a way.  Even my scars are being covered over by fresh tissue and new skin.

Many people struggle on Valentine's, feeling lonely and unloved.  I have had my fair share of those V-Days, and then to the nth degree, coupled with my grief.  But it is a very different Valentine's for me this year, proving once again - because I never seem to learn this lesson enough - life is perfect and amazing, and we never know what is waiting for us just around the corner.  All the love in the world is ours.  And just when that finally makes seems to make sense, even more comes fleeting in.