The Dream of the Purple Journal

So, a few nights ago, I dreamed that I had dropped my purple journal (circa 2000) into a murky pond. Without hesitation, I dove in after it, and was able to hold my breath effortlessly for quite some time while I felt around the pond floor until I had it in my grasp.

The dream was interesting to me on three counts: first, the particular journal. I mean, I've been keeping journals since I was 8, have them going back through all the years of my life, and was curious as to why this one popped up into my subconscious. Secondly, I have a "thing" about dirty water - although I was raised in the Land of the Lakes, as soon as I spent a few years basking in the sun and turquoise waters of the Mexican Caribbean, I was never able to dip toe in brown lake water again - let alone scummy pond water! Third, that I dove in and was able to hold my breath, knowing on a very deep level the book must be saved, and that only I would find it. Unsure of what my subconscious message to myself was, I thought the best place to start would be with the journal itself.

Last night, I pulled it from its shelf, and opened to the first page, dated April 4 of 2000 (just as I had thought). I began to read the first few entries and was astonished at what I found: that ten years ago, when I was just 24 yrs old, the elements of my life mirrored directly (and almost entirely) my life today. I mean, it's so uncanny, my jaw completely dropped!

I had made some major life changes at that time - moved from Mexico back to the States, and was finding new work and new living situations. I was about a year out of my last relationship, and was enjoying my singlehood in the city. I had estranged myself from my sisters and family, as I felt myself reverting into bad patterns of my youth that no longer served me, and knew I needed space from them to free my spirit. I was ambitiously trying to record a solo debut cd, and planning a big show/extravaganza for its release. I was entering into the Women's Thealogical Institute, and their priestess training program, Cella. I was reflecting on the woman I was aspiring to be, and what steps would be needed to manifest and embody the envisioned qualities and characteristics...

I am currently writing about all of the exact same things - have filled 5 whole journals already this year, and now in journal 6 of 2010, am reflecting on how far I've come, and what still needs to be accomplished, as well as my plans for how to set about manifesting these goals and dreams. The words, the phrasings from ten years ago are almost identical to the words I write today... almost...

Ten years. I am reminded of the numbers ace through ten in the Minor Arcana of the Tarot. When I explain the numbers to people, I ask them to imagine that ace through nine is a long cycle of life, with little mini-cycles in between. By the time you reach ten, you are at the beginning of the next big, long cycle - but it's not something entirely new. With this cycle, you take with you all that you experienced and learned from the ace through nine cycle before... which, hopefully, is a lot of wisdom, maturity, resources, developed skills and talents. You have been winding your way into the labyrinth of your spirit, and are considerably deeper in, but are beginning the next phase, or have fallen back onto the true path of your soul and ready to move forward. Man, does this all resonate like crazy for me right now!

In going back to the dream, after reading these entries and reflecting on these cycles of life, what stands out most is the journey itself. The visions for my life, my work, my purpose, my spirit have always been clear - articulated beautifully in these books of my decades. However, at that young age, I also am able to see the impatience, the disappointment when plans changed, the difficulty in holding fast to the goals and dreams, while simultaneously being flexible and bending with life. I spent so much of my 20s struggling against life, relationships, bosses, etc. Now, what's changed most is my enthusiasm for the ride: knowing that it's the process, not the product, that holds the real joy, the real transformation, the real manifestation and expression of the spirit. I'm no longer excited only by the dream, but by the satisfaction of undertaking the real work to make the dream come true. That's been a huge lesson for me.

So, I'm not so surprised I dove head first into the murky pond of my past, to retrieve the stories of me. All of these years, all of the dramas and traumas, the blessings and gifts, the fights and the fury, as well as the immeasurable love - all are so sacred to me. All have brought me to where and who I am now: a strong, capable woman who is fighting against complacency and intent on striving farther, and working harder to make those dreams a reality. There is nothing I wish to let go of, or to forget. Indeed, I am able to look back, despite past and even recent upsets and betrayals, and honor each experience for the lesson and wisdom gifted to me. I wouldn't trade my life for anything in the world.

Book rescued, rinsed the muck from my skin, breathing deep and steady... ready to get back to the clear-blue sea of my mid-30s. I may be far away from the safety of the shallows, but am pretty sure I have the wisdom now to save myself in dangerous waters...

(... and getting closer to the one-eyed Sea Hag for our long overdue conversation...)