Everything has been ticking along so well ~ I have, for months now, felt so empowered, confident, beautiful, loved, and on my path. I have accomplished most of the work and goals I set for myself this year. I am gearing up for another year ahead, filled with more success, more joy, more love... and know that I am entirely capable of manifesting it all.
I remain optimistic and positive about who I am and where I'm at, and where I'm headed to. But upon receiving some dire information regarding my former marriage recently, I am quite bereft. I learned of a betrayal so great, that it forces me to look back and realize my marriage was a sham. My life as I knew it and understood it - good and bad - now needs to be reconsidered entirely. Having to re-write your past is a terribly difficult thing to do... which I well know. This is my third time in a row. Three men in ten years, and I was bamboozled by them all.
I think that one of the most beautiful things about me is my pure heart. I feel everything so very deeply - at times to my detriment. When I'm happy, I am overjoyed. When I am sad, I am wading black depths many will never know. And when I love, my whole giant, bright and beautiful spirit opens up wide for my beloved. I love purely, truly, with good intention, and faith.
I also ignore red flags and my intuition, forgive when I shouldn't, and sacrifice too much. I am recognizing this more and more, and am trying so hard to be ever vigilant, to forbid these kinds of con-artists, users and abusers from receiving the gift of my true love - which they would relish in, and absorb, all the while committing terrible offenses and reciprocating with pain. I think it's incredibly unfair, that a spirit so loving and open as mine should be forced to wilt back and become hardened and guarded because of bad men who have taken advantage of the power of my love. But, as we all know, fair-shmair.... life isn't so neat.
I feel such anger towards these men. My brain just cannot wrap itself around how a person can paint a picture, a reality we both share, all the while carrying on in secret and subversive ways. That they would continually question my motives, my fidelity, my commitment, which I would time and again have to fight to try to prove... while, in the end, these were their crimes. I would give and give while my needs were unmet. Would try harder, love stronger, admonish myself for my own selfishness and my doubts, when I should have been listening to my spirit's warnings. It wasn't wrong on my part to love as I did. My fault was in betraying my self, and sacrificing my own essence to try to win their love and approval.
I feel sad, mostly, about what these betrayals have ultimately done to my beautiful heart. A year after being separated and divorced, I had already decided the walls needed to go up ~ that I am in need of much inner healing before I can trust a new relationship, and trust my ability to choose a true and fitting partner for me and my life. After I had already grieved the wrongdoings on both parts in my marriage, to now discover that what was really happening was so horrible, so ugly... well, there is now a steel cage erected around the walls. I am volleyed back and forth in this cage of rage and pain.
What's even more frustrating is that there is simply nothing one can do in these situations. When you are involved with sociopaths who lack empathy and live in a world of lies and corruption of the spirit, they are unable to feel your pain, much the same way they were unable to truly love. I entertain the idea of writing a letter, to express my deep sadness, in hopes that he would somehow care, somehow want to make it right. But I already know from trying it in the past that it's a futile effort. I would not get the response I most hope for. He will not be able to soothe the pain he created. It is my job to heal myself (which also seems tremendously unfair), and I know that road very well. It will take time.
So, being an eternal optimist, I try to look for the blessings and lessons in the situation. For one (and most importantly) I am already out of that toxic relationship, and have been rebuilding an independent life that has allowed me to truly express my spirit and my true purpose. I also stand in the center of a vast circle of love and support. I have learned that as I date and have romances with new partners, I must listen very carefully to my intuition, and to heed the red flag warnings. I have also learned that as I know how much I give to another when I love, I should expect nothing less in return. If I am not receiving it, from the get-go, I need to walk away.
I never know who reads these blogs. I'm sure many of you have been through similar experiences. Or maybe you are one of those who betray the love that is given you. To those of the latter, I say this: you destroy the integrity and beauty of the heart and spirit which loves you by your deceit. You may think you are getting away with something. You may even convince yourself that because you are not getting something you want from your beloved, that you are justified in your wrongdoings. You lie to yourself, your beloved, and to God/Goddess/the Universe by these actions. You may get away with it. Your beloved may never be able to do anything about it to hold you accountable. But, in time, you will suffer the consequences... for you cannot escape the power of the Great Spirit. You are simply not that smart, clever or mighty.
As for me, I recognize that I must allow myself to feel this betrayal. I must process these emotions, and come to terms with them. I do not wish to wade in this mire for long, however... this man has already taken too much of my power and energy, and deserves no more. I will continue on my path of righteousness and integrity, and be successful in my work, my relationships, and my spiritual evolution. He may or may not find the same success in his life, but I am most certain he will forever walk under the shadow of his corruption.
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