Sister Struggles

I awakened this morning in a bad way. Dreaming of my sister, the mean one. In the dream, she paraded in front of me the sacred treasures from my father's house that she and my other sister, the weak one, had divvied up after he passed, and while I was out of town. I saw the items - some which I had even forgotten about til I saw them in the dream - pass in front of me, one by one. I knew I couldn't touch them. I knew they were lost to me forever. I never had a say about where they would go from the beginning, and I never, ever would. In my dream, before I awakened, I screamed over and over again, "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!"

It's been over a year since I've been estranged from my mother and two sisters. I'd like to say it's rare that I think of them, but that would be a lie. After losing my father, and then the rest of my family, I can't help but to think of the past, remembering some good times and many bad. In the beginning, and for months, I was plagued with horrifying thoughts - fighting with my sister, my mother's betrayal, the look on my nephew's face.

A kind friend explained to me that by thinking of these things, I was connecting myself to them by a black cord of negative energy. He suggested that when the thoughts arise, I imagine myself cutting that cord, and sending them off and away from me with loving thoughts. This helped me a lot, actually, and I rarely think about the truly gruesome times anymore. Indeed, after the initial grieving period (for my father, as well as the others), I've found the separation to be extremely liberating and healthy for me as I continue on my true path for my life, making the decisions and choices that are true to my spirit, no longer feeling their judgement, disapproval, and absence of support.

I grew up in a family of women: my mother and two sisters, a stepmother later with her two daughters. I was the youngest of them all, and always found it difficult to assert myself, to have my voice heard, to be counted. I have a domineering personality, and certainly never feared to hold back from expressing my thoughts, opinions, and feelings. I suppose I did this to a fault, as I always felt so unacknowledged that my anger and sadness at it all bubbled up volcano-style and could spatter and spew and lay waste to these primary female relationships in my life. But the fault was certainly not mine alone: the mean sister controlled our family with her manipulations and bullying, my mother and eldest sister were both too weak to defy her. Because I was not weak, and stood my ground with her time and time again, the line was drawn. Sides had to be taken. In the end, I stand alone.

The other female relationships I have in my life are of extreme importance and significance to me. My very spirituality is goddess-based, and centered on the beliefs of true sisterhood and feminine bonding. I have endeavored to study the ways of the ancient priestesses, to become a modern-day example of a true daughter of the goddess. The dilemma is presented: how do I react and relate to my sisters of the world, when my own experience with sisterhood was so toxic and negative throughout my life?

I considered this in my journalling this morning, in reflecting on a close female friend's recent choices, which I find to be troubling, difficult, and which cause me great concern and worry for her current state of thinking, and the consequences of it. My initial reaction, I noted, reminded me of my mean sister, and how she would respond when I made choices she disapproved of. She would give me a thorough tongue-lashing, would insult me, would bully me into agreeing with her, and when I stood my ground, she would cut me off. She would cut me off from her children, my beloved nieces and nephew, and would draw that line in the sand for our other family members to choose sides. There could be no way, except her way, and if you deviated from the path she had decided was yours, then you could no longer exist in her world. I suffered this cruelty in many of the worst moments of my life - the very moments when I needed my sisters, my family, their unconditional love and compassion the most. I was brought up in this dynamic, and the residual effects from it linger in me still.

This is not sisterhood. This is not goddesstry. This is not the way for the women of the world to behave to one another. On my path, I would never wish for this kind of reaction from a sister and friend, and so I must be ever clear, careful and considerate about my own reactions to the women in my life. The dilemma returns: how do I react and relate to my sisters of the world, when my own experience with sisterhood was so toxic and negative throughout my life?

I search within myself to find not the aspects of the mean sister I grew up with, but to find the sister in me that I always wanted to have and to be: loving, honest, kind, concerned, communicative, supportive, compassionate, strong. I was not taught to be this kind of woman by my family members, but it was the kind of sister I always dreamed of having, and wanted to embody for myself. Although I have little control over the dynamics of my own family, I have complete freedom to now establish the new family of my life - with my friends, colleagues, mentors, etc. - and to behave in the manner I've long desired.

This new situation with my beloved friend challenges me to rise up and become the woman I am meant to be. To manifest the healthy, loving relationships I've been denied. To be true to my path, and to change the ingrained characteristics which lead me astray. I can allow my friend the space she needs to follow through with what she feels is right. I can be available to her, as I've always been, to talk and discuss from a place of honesty and concern, but with kindness and compassion. I can let her know that I'm struggling to understand her choices, but that my love for her will never diminish, and I am working hard to be the supportive friend she needs. Indeed, I can thank her for being my friend, and for presenting me with this opportunity to grow and to learn and to heal my own wounds. Our mutual understanding and unconditional love is a blessing we both share. In thinking of her situation in this way, this new way, my entire physical and emotional body shifts - the anxiety and negative emotions about her choices dissipate, and I feel lighter, calmer, happier. This tells me I am, indeed, staying true to my path and spirit.

As for my own sisters, at the moment, our separation seems necessary for this kind of transformative individual work. Whether they see it that way or not, or feel they need to work on themselves or not, I know it's a healthier choice for me.

You cannot forever seal the door to your family. They are with you for life, in one way or another. I believe I chose them from before birth, and the issues we have are meant to be tools for learning and growth. The day may come when we are different people who find a sturdier bridge over that line drawn in the sand where we can meet again. My deepest wish is that if we do, when we do, we will finally be the sisters we were born to be.