Inner Dialogue

"Let's talk about love."

"No, let's not."

"Yes. Let's talk about it. Let's face it, deal with it, consider it. You're in it, after all, so let's at least get honest about it."

"I don't know if it's the right time yet... feels too soon for this discussion."

"Yeah, it is, you're right. But, as we know, the problem with you is that before too long, you'll be so swept up in it that any reasonable conversation will be virtually impossible. Blinders will be on. Selfish heart grasping and taking hold. Color-blinded to the red flags cropping up around you. We know how delusional you can get - even with all your good intentions."

"Fine, fine. Spare me the lecture. What needs to be said?"

"Well, first of all, let's get technical and define what's going on... let's be clear about where you stand. Would you call this love?"

"Yes, I would. I don't shy from love, you know that. What kind of love, exactly, is still a little confusing..."

"What do you mean, confusing?"

"Well, in this particular instance, there's a lot at play: there's romance and passion, there's a 20-yr old friendship (and the familiarity and comfort that comes with that), there's sympathy (on both sides), and there's the joy of re-discovering someone later in life. Not to mention, he was my very first kiss, so there's a great story there..."

"Yes, we know how much you love your stories. Continue."

"Anyway, there's a lot of love there, manifested in many ways. I mean, all in all, it feels pretty damned good, like love should, right?"

"(sigh) Lord... we'll get to that later. Let's move on to the next question: What are you most afraid of about this love, if you could be so honest?"

(long pause) "Of hearts breaking."

"That's a little too simple. Let's dig deeper please."

"What's so simple about broken hearts?! If you remember, we've come close to death from broken hearts in the past!"

"What's simple is knowing that every time you fall in love, you risk your heart breaking, or breaking someone else's heart. You choose to take that risk or not. Have you made that choice?"

"No, not yet."

"So, whose heart are you most concerned about?"

"His."

"Why?"

"Because he's better than me. A better person. A kinder, sweeter soul who deserves less pain and not more. Because of all he's suffered recently, I'm afraid to add to his grief. Because I expect my heart to be broken, and am accustomed to suffering."

"Hmm... That sounds... sad. And so self-depricating. Why do you feel less worthy of love? Why should you expect to suffer?"

"(sigh) We already know the answer to this one. Must we go there?"

"Please, humor me. Say it out loud."

"Because I am unloveable. Because I am wicked. Because I am haunted and burdened with despair and anger. Because I am selfish. My emotions can be toxic. And because everyone who's ever loved me before LEFT."

"Mmm-hmm. That's what I was going for: all that bullshit you keep telling yourself, whether you're in a relationship or not. Is this truly what you believe about yourself?"

"Sometimes."

"And other times?"

(tears up) "Other times I think I'm very loveable, and have so much love to give. I think my heart is good, and I try to be honest about my feelings and intentions. I know I have a lot of amazing talents and gifts, and that someone would be lucky to have me on their side, and at their back."

"Okay. So, maybe both statements are true, to whatever extent. But, let me ask you this: If you continue to listen to that voice that tells you you're bad, how do you think it affects the voice that wants to celebrate your goodness? And more importantly, how does it play into your ability to love and to be loved?"

"Well, it takes up air time in my brain, I guess. It's not like it's all the time, either. Just, you know, when there's a risk of me hurting someone, and knowing that the pain I feel from causing someone else grief is more than when pain in inflicted onto me.... I mean, that voice tries to stop me from making those mistakes. And yet, like now, I want to believe all of the good things about myself, and believe that I am worthy of love, of being loved, and that if it is being offered, I should be able to accept it."

"But do you believe all that?"

"No."

"Why not? What's holding you back?"

"He doesn't know yet. He doesn't know the terrible side of me. He is glamored, as they all are in the beginning, seeing only the beautiful mask covering the ugly truth beneath. I don't even want him to ever see it. I feel like I shouldn't accept this love, because it's only a matter of time before he finds out."

"So you have made a choice: you don't want to risk loving and losing this time."

"When you put it like that, I guess not." (cries)

"That's why I wanted to have this conversation, so we could be clear. But, why are you crying? You're choosing to save both of you from what you fear the most: broken hearts. That's a good thing, a wise choice, a mature decision. You should feel proud of yourself for breaking a pattern, for growing up, for learning lessons from past experiences. Why so many tears?"

(sniffles) "Because all I've ever wanted is to be loved. Here's someone so sweet, so kind and loving and generous offering it to me, and I have to turn it away. It's not fair. It's not fair! When will I ever have real love in my life, love that I can have and hold and hang on to? "

(smiles) "We already know the answer to that, my love. It's what we've been working on all along, and will continue to do so until the day comes when you finally and truly understand..."

(sniffles more)

"...Love will always be in your life. It will always be offered to you, because all of the good things you know to be true about yourself, as well as for many reasons which you still are blind to. But, when you are at last able to genuinely love yourself, provide for your own needs, and hold dominion over that sad and angry voice within, love will be waiting for you, and you will feel it as you never have before. It's coming, my girl. It's on its way. In the meantime, I'm very proud of you. You took quite a big step today."