A Fond Farewell

Sometimes when I write in my journal in the mornings, I touch upon topics of my life that I just don't seem to have the energy to write about in great detail. Maybe because they are things that tax my soul, are too emotional, or I'm just not ready to confront. I had this occurrence today about about a few things, one of which I decided to write about here.

A few days ago, I learned that my divorce became final. It happened almost a month ago, but I never received a divorce decree or anything in the mail letting me know, (which I think is strange!). My husband - ex-husband - did, and while we were hanging out the other day, it came up in conversation.

Obviously, I knew it was in the works. I had signed the papers back in November, and knew he had finally sent them in a couple of months ago. The finality of it all evokes the dramatic, sentimental aspect of my personality. I can't help but to recount the last four years of my life with this man: the better-than-a-movie romance we had when we met in Costa Rica; the travels to Israel (his homeland), Mexico, Vegas, Miami; the hasty marriage, one year to the day of our first meeting; the rough beginnings, as he transitioned to a new culture and country; the incredible struggles and obstacles we faced, battled, and in the end, failed to win over. I feel simultaneously exhausted, saddened, and grateful for all of the twists and turns of our journey together. I feel simultaneously regretful and excited to move away from him, and towards my independent life again.

I believe that every relationship serves a purpose. I believe that we were brought into each other's lives for reasons both known and yet unknown to us both. It will likely take years of growth and further consideration to gain more insight and understanding of the things that happened that made it impossible for us to hold each other's hands through life, til death do us part. At the moment, it isn't even the right time for me to try to gain this insight - it would be too difficult emotionally, and probably most futile to attempt. Distance and time reveal more to me than diligent efforts to "understand." Now is the time for me to focus on myself, and my life, to consider what I haven't had (but needed) in recent years that I can now offer to myself, to make plans for my future alone, and to take the necessary steps to ensure a most positive outcome.

My husband taught me so many things, and helped me to grow in ways that had never even occurred to me before. As an artist, and from the family life I endured as a child, I can say that "stability," "level-headed-ness," and "maturity" have been foreign concepts in the past. He, being a business man with multiple degrees, army training, and a very disciplined background, really helped me to (for a lack of better words) GROW UP. He taught me how to be financially responsible, how to make good decisions, how to plan for my future. He taught me about family, and how more functional families behave with each other and can rely on each other. I took great delight in his family, in watching how they communicate, how they help each other, what they may even hide from each other at times so as not to worry the people they love the most. This was all completely new to me. Indeed, it was so foreign, that I think I simply wasn't ready for it.

I believe I brought many gifts to the relationship as well. Where he could be so grounded that, at times, was obstinate, I brought a more care-free energy to our lives. I tried to teach him that faith can go a very long way - worrying about things all the time only increases stress, whereas faith that somehow it will all work out frees the energy for the Universe to come in and help make it work. I brought color and music and joy of life. I tried to bring efforts and ideas for improving communication, intimacy, and a sense of silliness and play. I taught him forgiveness. I'm a dreamer, and while I may not always have my feet on the ground, I think all great things in life begin with a dream. I tried my best. I know in my heart that my intentions were nothing but good.

Tears now.. happy tears, sad tears, not gushing, just watering a bit. It's hard to say goodbye to a dream. It's hard to accept when your best just wasn't good enough. It's hard to look at that beautiful man, who still embodies so many of the qualities I would to this day choose for a mate, and know that it truly is best that we are moving forward on separate paths. I know that by making that difficult choice, we will continue to be in each other's lives, as such very good friends, and be able to enjoy the best of each other, and be able to offer each other the very best we have to give.

Next week, he will be moving to Brooklyn, where my very best friend of twenty years also lives. I know it will be a good move for him - to be near his Israeli community, to start anew in a big city, to have more opportunities for work in these terrible economic times. It will be good for me, too - to reassume my city of Minneapolis, my place in it, my community and friends and work and life I have constructed so beautifully for myself. I'll have double the reason to make trips out to New york, which I love. And, I'll step fully into my independence, my spirit, my dreams, with the mixed bag of a little fear and much eager anticipation for the next amazing chapter of my life.

It's another transition. I've been through so many over the past year that I know it will be a little uncomfortable and unsettling for a bit, but I'll make it through just fine - probably better than ever. There will be a few tears yet, but they will trickle slowly and not come gushing in - a light, salty rain on my cheeks to signal a new season, the re-birth of life, new growth. I have always loved blooming so.

To my (ex-) husband, thank you. I will forever cherish our time, and bless our paths. Though our vows are undone, you will forever have a friend and ally in me. You will always be welcomed in my home and life. You will forever be loved in my heart.

Blessed be.