Hello friends. Sorry it's been so long. I have missed you too, and come to this page more often than you think... but as life has become a mind-blowing whirlwind in recent months, I've found carving out pockets of time for pretty much ANYthing other than my work and current projects has been hard to do. I even let my journal writing get away from me for a moment, which is a HUGE no-no... when mama doesn't write, mama gets bat-ass crazy. Such was the case recently, when things got all out of balance, and I knew instantly why and how to remedy the situation: "pick up your god-damned pen," I told myself. Doesn't matter how exhausted I am, how much earlier I have to set my alarm to see it through, or how often the blank page stares at me as I stare back at it, overwhelmed and not even sure where to begin... I just simply must do it. It truly is the one tool that has helped me stay sane, keep my life organized, and somehow, magically, keeps my emotions more balanced. I tell all my friends, "When you see me flippin' out on a regular basis, be sure to ask if I've been writing..."
I'm particularly high on writing this morning because I've just finished my sixth journal of the year. That brings happy tears to my eyes. I'm looking at them now, all stacked up on my bed, on top of each other. The tears come because it has truly been one of the most amazing years of my life, and as I look at their spines and pages, even closed, I know the stories that live within each of them. The songs. The poems. I cry tears of gratitude for the present moment, at this amazing time of my life where I am literally walking in the dream and destiny and purpose I have long known was mine, and had been waiting and praying and hoping for and trying so hard not to lose faith... and here it is! I cry tears of pride, pride in myself, looking at the journal on the top of the pile, whose title was simply "Begin." I took it at that difficult time in my life (a little over a year ago) as a sort of command: "Now you must begin Emily. This is your life. It is all up to you. What will you do?"
I started small: "I will write," I said. "I will follow the wheel of the year." "I will be easy on myself, for I have struggled long and hard, and it was a most difficult last year." And so I did. I was unemployed. My husband had left me. I was grieving the death of my father, the estrangement of my family. I had quit my band. I was in a new home. Everything was different. Everything had changed. Except writing. Writing had been there for me since I was eight years old, and first kept a journal. It had been many months - seven, maybe - since I had put pen to paper at that time. In the few years preceding, during my marriage, I didn't write much - I didn't feel comfortable in my morning ritual around my ex-husband. He had violated my privacy and read my pages on a few occasions, so I ceased my practice. We both suffered from it. But, with "Begin," I was in my own space, my own energy, and ready to reclaim my life.
"Begin" took me from a little before Winter Solstice, 2009 until Candlemas, 2010. At that time, I was in Mexico, my other home, with a group of amazing friends who were visiting with me for three weeks. Beloved friends. Friends that bring so much joy and love and patience. It was then I cracked open "Follow Your Bliss." She would carry me through til Spring Equinox, and on her cover were words like "dream, vision, imagine, create, begin, transform, expand." I took her directive as well, and in Playa (the land of my spirit), I allowed myself time to just enjoy life. To be in good company, sharing food, laying under the sun, swimming in crystalline waters, making music, and writing. Dreaming up plans of what I would do when I returned stateside. What did I want to do with my life? Well, I wanted to use my talents and passions. I wanted to create a life of work that involved music, or teaching, or spiritual transformation. I didn't bother with the details of exactly what that might be... just put it loosely out there, into the ethers, trusting that whatever was meant to be would be.
At Equinox, as the sap begins to run through the trees, I chose my new book: "You Can Fly When You Want To." Spring energy is so great for new projects, new habits, new disciplines. I was born just after the Equinox, an Aries, so new beginnings have always been a favorite and exciting time for me. Back from Mexico, refreshed and rejuvenated, I set out to explore new opportunities, even things I would never have considered in the past. I hit up craigslist, and responded to all kinds of ads - ads for singers, for models, for assistants. I auditioned for commercials, cover bands, and teaching gigs. I was going out a lot with friends, and to new social events I would have stressed over in the past - I had always felt great anxiety about going to places with new people, out of my element. I still had some anxiety about all the things I was trying, but I was determined to put myself out there, knowing that new blessings would only come from being tenacious and courageous. I adopted the motto "fake it til you make it." I would feign confidence, if need be, until I truly felt it inside. It's a good trick that really works. I recommend it to everyone.
At this point in the year, right around Beltane, I bought two new journals, and I wasn't sure which one had the right message for that particular time in life. In the end, I chose by the cover art, and "Sometimes Your Only Available Mode of Transportation Is a Leap of Faith" had imagery that echoed the previous book. It seemed the right choice. I had intended that this journal would span from Beltane to Solstice, but as the sap started rushing through the trees, so did my life switch into high gear. I was writing regularly, though maybe not as much. I was starring in a theater production, modeling for artists, recording new music I had written, was dating, was social butterflying all around these twin cities like the queen monarch herself! Before I knew it, Solstice had come and gone, and I was still in the same book, and still not sure how it's meaning pertained to my life.
Until my back went crooked. Right in the middle of summer, and all of my heyday and hullabaloo, I was smacked down in critical and severe pain, confined to my bed for six weeks or more. I needed surgery on my spine. My lease was up, and I had to pack and find a new place to live. I had no insurance, no job, no husband, no family, and the pain was so crippling that simply making it to the bathroom was a true voyage. But I had me some friends. I had me some family of friends that packed me up, cleaned my house, moved me in to a new place gifted me by an ex-boyfriend (Mr. Mean! who woulda thunk???), took me to hospitals and doctor appointments, and took care of me for weeks after my surgery. I couldn't walk, I couldn't drive, I needed great care, and they were there. Sometimes your only available mode of transportation is a leap of faith all right... and a little help from your friends.
Lammas time. The old journal wasn't full, but I needed a change... once I got the message, I was ready to move onto a new chapter: "The Future Belongs To Those Who Believe In the Beauty of Their Dreams." Time to get back on the page, jump back into life (carefully, however - I just had spinal surgery, for God's sake) and resume my path, my intentions and my goals. I was healing, I was in a new spot in an amazing neighborhood, I had taken on a roommate. I was beginning again. The most important thing was to heal, and to take it easy. So, instead of flitting about, I had folks coming over. Musicians bringing me songs to write to, friends coming for dinners, small parties here and there. I had taken on some new lovers, and rekindled old friendships.
It was getting close to Halloween, which meant only half a season until Solstice again... had I accomplished what I had set out to do? Not so much. I had accomplished a lot, oh yes, but unemployment would likely be up soon and though I had created some work to get me by, more was needed. But it had to fit within the guidelines I'd set: only work that suits my talents. From my surgery, I was about a half-season off track, I felt. Add to it, I was partying quite a bit... imbibing, celebrating, living life free of taboo - like the autumnal Devil card of the Tarot. Time to reel it in. I had some work to do!
At Hallows, my next book came: "Fearless." My Dad had called me by this name many times. Uncertain of what the future held, and feeling the weight of finances slipping fast, and no concrete prospects, I decided to go back to "fake it til you make it" mentality: I wouldn't waste any time or energy worrying. I had already learned that the Universe is aiding and supporting me every step of the way, so long as I'm willing to put in the work. So I would be Fearless, and charge ahead and snatch the pieces of my destiny at every twist and turn they appeared.
Mr. Mean pulled through again, offering me a job as Creative Director at his new club! A part-time gig paying more than I had ever made in my life until now. It was the perfect, ideal solution! Using my talents, with time left over to continue to pursue my other projects and dreams... this was more than a gift. This was some serious next-level shit.
But I couldn't stop there. I had this idea. Actually, I had this dream, a dream that began over a decade ago. I glanced at the calendar to see which day my 35th birthday would fall on in 2011... it happened to be a Friday. I had always wanted to have a grand show for a birthday celebration. I considered what my dream venue would be... the Varsity Theater. So, fearlessly, I called the owner and made an appointment to walk through the venue and pitch my show idea: my 35th birthday, featuring a retrospective of my past work and my debut cd-release party. He loved it. He gave me the date, and the venue, with no deposit or anything... confident that I was going to make this a success. The date was booked. It's on!
I gathered a team of producers, choreographers, videographers and photographers, light and sound and set designers - the whole deal. I had been working in this town for over a decade. Working for other people, on their dreams and their projects. Now was my turn, my time... and the response was overwhelming. Everyone wanted to be part. They all liked the idea. They all wanted to help see it through. The wheels were in motion... now, I just had to write a debut album!
I gathered music from several local producers and took off back to Mexico, with the intention of writing the songs. Mr. Mean had bought me a new Mac laptop for my job, and I got some simple gear to lay down tracks on Garage Band while there. I went for almost three weeks, and wrote seven songs. I rested, I partied, I lived blissfully and creatively... I had the time of my life. Mingling with djs and producers from all over the world, in town for the BPM electronic music festival. I had photo shoots. I made plans for a cd-release show there in April - I mean, why not? It's my second home, ater all, where my solo singing career started almost 15 years ago! Plus, I knew I'd want to come back soon, and would need a break after a few months of intense work back home. Fearlessly, I dreamed big, and am daily taking small steps to see it through.
So, I've been three weeks back, and tossed immediately into the frying pain of this abundance I manifested! Finding talent for and opening a club in a month; recording my first full-length cd; executive producing this spectacular show for the end of March; teaching 150+ kids each week between 3 schools; conducting 2 choirs... You see why it's been challenging to find moments to blog???
And here we are, at Candlemas tomorrow. I have my new book waiting for me. Her name? "Trust Yourself." During this busy, busy time, my writing will be key in staying on top of everything, releasing stress, keeping sane. To some degree, I'm still faking it - for I have many moments of doubt and insecurity and sheer panic at all that I've taken on... but I will follow the new directive, and trust myself, because the reality is: I have everything it takes to see this all through. I have worked hard, with clear intention and focus. I have acquired the skills needed, and the resources. I have assembled the right team of people, whom as I sit here typing this to you, are all out there working on my behalf! Do you know what a trip that is? Can you imagine how humbling that feels? Studios are being dialed in, promo kits are being drafted, LLCs are being established, tours are being planned, photo shoots are scheduled... and I'm sitting here in my bed, in my pjs, lookin' a mess... I cannot adequately describe to you what it feels like to be walking in your dream. But I can tell you, despite all the pressure and stress, I am smiling.
"Trust Yourself" should carry me through to Equinox, right before my birthday and my big show. I already have the journal that comes after. I knew she was the one the minute I saw her, and as I look at her now, it brings tears to my eyes:
"Your Wish Is Granted. Now Is the Time."
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