My Witch (1997)

The Lady in Her robes,

with golden hair like the fingers of flames

crowning her glory ~

an aura within Her aura.

She is the Fearless One

for She knows the Goddess ~

is the Goddess,

and so has made peace with Earth.

She is a daughter of the Universe ~

it's mother and grandmother in turn,

and Her strength is but an extension

of the Great Cosmic Source.

She is teacher, at service to all who seek Her,

and Her lesson is Her song.

Her voice,

the legendary weapon of the angels,

wrought in Her time to restore the Balance,

to bring Life back from Death.

She is prophetess, dreaming the future into reality,

seeing the Beyond, and what will come to be.

She is a young Maiden ~

in Her movements you can see how

Her laughter becomes dance,

and how Her work is in Her play.

She is wildchild, daring, strong, and rebellious.

She is fast, direct. She is cunning. She is free.

She is the fire of Her hair: a Ram-ess,

pushing Her way through obstacles and boundaries,

through disapproval, and the Lower Planes.

She is the spark and the sun, the star and the flame.

She is Dragon Woman, born with wings.

She uses Her wits to fly.

She is fantasy, the illusion, all-imagination.

A dream weaver, a spell caster, Her magic floods Her veins.

With it, She transcends the mundane ~

how She soars when She takes to the sky!

She is Mother. She cooks and She feeds.

Her belly so ripe with love, and Her hands so formed

to care. Her body curved to the task.

She is an Earth-squatter, a tree-talker,

every creature as Her own child.

Her fingers like tools for the dirt: with a seed

She impregnates Her dreams.

She is, too, the Great Watershed Woman, carrying

in Her buckets and soul oceans of emotions.

She is a benevolent one, the growth towards good,

the courage to change.

Her memories are Her gold. She carries volumes

of sentimentality, keeping throughout Her life

every person, every object, every moment that ever touches Her:

they are Her living journals of who She once was,

and who She walks forth to be.

She is an Ageless Woman. A Crone before Her time ~

look only to Her eyes.

Therein, you will find Her lifetimes passed,

Her wisdom, Her solace too.

Her thin, gray locks still striking out like lightning bolts!

She keeps secrets in Her smile ~

make Her laugh and they may spill!

She is Medicine Woman, a healer of hearts and spirits,

whose remedies brew in Her cauldron of love.

She bathes the flesh in light,

and soaks the soul in song.

Emily Anna!

She is Priestess of the New Age,

Wise Woman of the Great Council,

Daughter of the Divine Lady, the Queen of Creation,

Goddess of All That Is and Will Ever Be!

...This is the witch I see in Me.

Me, But Not Me (1997)

(Avalon...)

Raised to believe in one life, one God,

one chance to Be,

I did not give thought to other lives

which may share a space within me, inside.

I confess, I am no prophetess,

no psychic who sees

me, but not me, in a time

long before me...

Yet, I have had dreams of a land that I know:

a stream, thick with trees,

and hushed hills to call home.

This land that I know, with its

Rings of Stone,

its apples, and faeries,

and thick mist hanging o'er ~

I can feel this land in the palms of my hands.

I feel my very soul has travelled the Sands of Time

and Space, to bring me here,

to this who-I-am now,

to this pretty good year.

But, then why do I long to be whom I once was ~

this woman, this priestess, an old crone before dust?

There were things I knew then that have escaped me by now...

No, not escaped... just hidden somehow.

It seems I could learn the secrets of the Earth,

the mysteries of Life,

the miracle of Birth.

Or, perhaps, if I dared to resist my own fears,

I'd throw out my calendar and live

a different year.

Not by months, nor weeks, nor days, nor hours,

but by when the Moon turns

and when the trees flower.

Or, still even more daring, I could now declare

that I don't believe God is in space somewhere,

but that the Goddess now holds reign o'er my spirit,

and She lives not in space, but inside me ~

hear it!

When I sing, She moves through me,

Her beauty and light.

Her passion is my freedom.

Her pain, my darkest night.

And I could start tending to mending Her Earth,

to live a clean life all covered in dirt,

and vow to share with the world what I know

about Birth and Life and calendars to throw.

But oh! There I go

starting again to believe that

I am me, but not me,

and these are my dreams.

But, the who-I-am-now has dreams of her own,

and though they are different, in some ways

it shows that she, who is not me - but once was -

is still me!

Still looking for faeries, and still craving babies.

And I can grow food, and I can mend clothes,

I can honor the Moon, and I even still know that

one life, one God, one chance to Be

may exist for some, but certainly not for me.

It seems the Goddess I know enjoys giving me life ~

and though each one is different, each one is right...

Witchlet: A Priestess-In-Training (Part II: The Priestesshood)

I returned to Minnesota a few years later, a healthy, vibrant, wise young woman. I immediately sought out resources for continuing my spiritual education. I was thrilled to find that bookstores now carried a huge section of New Age books. I discovered online pagan communities to tap into. There were shops, periodicals, and local groups all devoted to the Goddess, and Her initiates. I attended a few rituals with local covens. But I was searching for something deeper, something more akin to the real training of the priestesses of old. I had been a solitary practitioner for years at that point, and was really craving the tutelage and camaraderie of a group experience.

In my quest to find such a group, I came upon an organization based in Madison, WI ~ the Women's Thealogical Institute. I contacted them, and received exciting information about a priestess-training program they offered, called "Cella." The program was divided into three cycles, which would span across six years. To be ordained, one would then complete a more intense seventh year, with specialized priestess work, similar to writing a thesis to obtain a degree. The curriculum was divided into various "paths" an initiate would choose for herself: Creatrix, Scholar/Teacher, Healer, Organizer, Ritualist or Earthwalker. The program was self-paced, working on your activities at home, and then meeting with your designated group for intensive weekends twice each year. I was beyond excited, more than thrilled ~ I had found the training I had been seeking since I'd first heard of the Goddess, many years before.

I immediately enrolled, and was placed in a new group that was just starting up in Madison. I knew that there would be other novices just starting out, like me, as well as women who were well on their path and already several years into the program. I had no idea what to expect, but I was so open to the experience - whatever it would be!

The five-hour road trip to Madison was invigorating. I was driving with a purpose. My body shivered with a feeling of "right-ness:" for I was embarking on a journey my spirit had long been craving. I took particular joy in the smooth road, the music I was singing too, and the birds popping into my line of sight: Hawk, the Messenger, and Turkey, the Give-Away. I was alert, and full of energy. I was ready for anything.

I will never forget when I arrived at our host's home for the first time. I was a little nervous, but entered the kitchen confidently enough, smile beaming, and said "Hello! I'm Emily!" There was a look of confusion on many of the faces I saw there - I was definitely the youngest woman present, and maybe a little more... "glam," comparatively. I heard someone towards the back mutter, "Who's the cheerleader?" But I dismissed it, as I made my one-on-one introductions all around.

The weekend proceeded as many workshops do: different women presented lectures and activities on our main subject, we had time for independent study, and time to meet with our advisor, a high priestess who would oversee our work in the program. We ate together, made rituals, and downtime to talk, knit, read, etc. I soaked it all in, and despite moments of feeling inexperienced or unintelligible, I thoroughly enjoyed the entire weekend, and all the women I was sharing the experience with. The high priestess and I determined I would walk a double path of Scholar/Teacher and Creatrix, and I couldn't wait to get home and delve into my studies!

On the very last day, a woman came to me and said, "I want to apologize to you. When you first came in on Friday night, I judged you without knowing you, which wasn't right for me to do. After spending the weekend getting to know you, I think you're a really amazing and powerful goddess, and I'm very happy you're in our group." I was beaming :-)

Over the next couple years, I would attend a few more weekends, in Madison, as well as with a group that started up in Minnesota, close to home. I was very disciplined with my studies: reading books, writing papers, creating projects. I explored different kinds of meditation, raising power, becoming more earth-friendly and conscious. I was "working the program," and it was working for me in my life: despite some other life choices I had made in that time, which might have been seen as taboo or subversive, this priestess training helped keep me balanced, grounded, and strong in my self and my spirit.

Then, as life will always have it, things changed. My focus changed. Everything was changing around me: my relationship, my work, my home. I was in my late-20s, the Saturn Return years, and as it happens for many people, my life was turned upside down. I was distracted from my studies, put them on a shelf, as I spiraled downwards into a deep depression that would afflict me on and off for years to come. I was self-medicating with marijuana, which robbed me of any and all energy to make positive changes in my life. I was surrounded by people that were mistreating me and using me. I was as far off my path, and separated from my true spirit as I could be.

Because of it, everything I tried failed. Every wall I tried to climb, I smashed into instead. All of my good intentions proved to be futile. I had learned the lesson early in life, in Mexico: by small daily affirmations of spirit, expressions of gratitude and taking tiny, positive actions in my environment, synchronicity would swirl, and when we walk the true path, we are rewarded with endless opportunities, divine assistance and magical blessings. I knew this, had already learned this and lived it... but knowledge does not make wisdom. The lesson was there for me to learn again, as lessons will often require. Some things are presented to us again and again and again, until they have taken hold in a way that finally influences our choices and actions. I wasn't there yet. I may not be even now!

Indeed, it would take many years, many journeys, other relationships, jobs, experiences, births and deaths before I would finally encounter the returning path to my spirit, and to my true self and destiny. After a particularly cruel (yet transformative) year, where I had been stripped of family, husband, home, career, and more, I was left only with one thing: me. Whatever skills, gifts and talents I had been given or had cultivated, would have to be enough to reconstruct not only my life, but (and more importantly) the person I intended to be.

After years and years of neglect to my spiritual discipline, I knew the best way to get back on track would be slow and steady progress. It was Winter Solstice of 2009, and I charted a plan for my life that would coincide with the Wheel of the Year. From winter to spring, I would begin to plant the seeds. I would rest, allow myself time to dream, create, envision, expand, and explore. I would carefully consider what elements would be necessary to live a most fulfilling life. From spring to summer, I would take action. I would investigate, seek out, invent opportunities that would fall in line with the goals I had established. From summer to autumn, I would get busier than I had ever been - push myself to network, meet new people, take advantage of every opportunity that came my way, and exhaust myself with activity and work. Finally, from autumn to winter, I would step back, assess what I had accomplished (or failed to) and make the plan for the next year to come.

This has been my current path, and here we are, in repose, looking back at all that I have manifested. For the most part, I truly have accomplished all I set out to do: I have surrounded myself with positive and inspiring people, have created work opportunities that best suit my talents, have focused on healing of mind and body, and feel incredibly strong in my person: I have re-met my true self in this process, and am firmly back on my true path ~ which, like in Mexico, is evident by the amazing synchronicity and support from God, Goddess and the Universe.

In my assessment of my progress, only one element was missing to complete the picture: the priestesshood I had left behind years before. I pulled out my old manuals and workbooks. I made a list of where I left off in my studies, and what work remained for me to complete the first Cycle. I contacted the high priestess in Madison, and told her the time had finally come, and I was ready to pick up Ariadne's thread again, and make my way into the labyrinth of the Goddess.

I received confirmation from her last week, that I am most welcomed to return to the Madison Cella group, and that I may pick up where I left off. The old familiar excitement swept through me. My spirit began to dance. I take joy in the wisdom that by incorporating this spiritual discipline back into my life, the energy which is already swirling so beautifully around me at this phase of my life will only intensify. This is the last step onto my destined road. The Goddess, who lives within me, is most certainly pleased.

Had I continued my Cella studies straight through, in all this time, I might have already been ordained as a priestess. But, that's not always how life works, nor our individual spiritual journeys. All of the experiences I endured in my hiatus - however tragic or terrible - were ones my soul needed to integrate the mysteries and knowledge I am gaining. That's how wisdom is born ~ as a product of knowledge and experience, which becomes our intuition. In the tarot, the High Priestess says this about intuition:

"Intuition is partially a function of prior experience. We can sometimes predict the outcome of a particular situation through intimate knowledge of the participants or through understanding a similar incident in the past. The wisdom of the High Priestess is a kind of knowledge we use to move forward every day when we anticipate the outcome of our actions."

I anticipate that by choosing right action in my life, incorporating positive and inspiring disciplines, aspiring to better myself each day, and staying true to the woman I know I am, the goals and successes I wish to attain shall be mine. Life will change, as it always does. We never know what each season or year shall bring. Yet, I have learned that when it feels like you're beating your head against a wall, or certain people or situations bring on agitated emotions, or doors you most wish would open remain closed... you are meant to go another way.

I have returned to the path that was destined for me, and me alone. I pick up the thread, to wind myself in to the heart of the labyrinth. She waits for me there. The Mother is calling Her daughter back home.

Witchlet: A Priestess-in-Training (Part I - Entering the Labyrinth)

I was born an old soul. From a young age, there was a deep sense of spirit within me, moving through me, using me as a channel for expression in this world. It would take me years to understand just what exactly that strange feeling inside of me was... but I learned. I continue to learn as the years pass by and my wisdom deepens. I understand the differences between creative inspiration, intuition, and spiritual callings ~ all are so subtle, and can be easily confused with nausea, head aches or strange dreams. But I am vigilant, recording it all, and able to see the patterns and the cycles more and more clearly. I find the awareness and strengthening of my abilities to be extremely exciting.

In my early years, my family attended services at United Church of Christ. My memories from back then are likely similar to most young children's first religious experiences: church was boring, I hated wearing scratchy tights, Sunday School was lame, and summer Bible School was even worse. They would tell us stories from the Bible, introducing us to strange names and foreign lands and a history that seemed too long ago to even matter anymore. Some of the lessons, while entertaining, seemed dubious: a dude with an ark? A talking snake in a garden? A virgin birth? I was an early skeptic. I did, however, like Jesus. I liked Jesus a lot. He would sometimes be my "imaginary friend," and would dance with me in my bedroom late at night, when I was supposed to be asleep. He was a real brother alright... the nice kind, that would always be there when I needed him most.

I had other inclinations, however, even at that young age. I had a "thing" for the dead - not in a morbid sense, but felt that I had a connection with spirits. I "heard" angels and ancestors calling me - I would get a ringing in my ears, and would send my friends out looking for the spirits on the playground. I tried to listen to their voices. I believed back then I was simply "using my imagination," but now, years later, I think differently. I believe these were early signs of a spiritual path and awareness that would play a very great role in my future, and my destiny.

In junior high and early high school, we had moved towns, and churches too. Many of my friends went to a local Lutheran church, and so I convinced my mother to check it out. It truly was a wonderful church, and mom and I both took an immediate liking to it. I became very involved from the git-go... I joined the youth group and church choir, took confirmation classes, played "Lucifer" in a musical production, and even conducted a youth choir, "Chanter en Paix."

I was so blessed in that church to have had pastors who were so open and so tolerant. Although I was an active participant in most church activities, I remained skeptical about Christianity in general. The Bible stories seemed far-fetched, and doctored. The hypocrisies of the religion's role in history were glaring. And, why was there rarely ever mention of significant Christian women in the Bible or the history books? I questioned and debated with my pastors, and they not only allowed it, but they encouraged my quest for answers. "That's a very good question, Emily," I would hear, "and I wish I did, but I don't have an answer for that." They were humble, kind men, who accepted me, my questioning, and their own as well. They made me feel comfortable, and loved, always.

It was in my teenage years when I started traveling around to Renaissance Festivals, performing as a gypsy dancer. I spent years in this counter-culture, and began to learn about other religions, historical concepts, and spiritual practices. I gravitated towards women friends who were well-versed in astrology, the tarot, palmistry and other divinatory practices. I heard the word, "Goddess," for the first time ~ at first, thinking a goddess was a character from old myths and legends, but then came to understand that my friends referred to "the Goddess" as the supreme higher power. I had never even considered the idea of God as a woman before. I listened intently, and picked up what I could. I participated in Goddess rituals, and learned songs, stories, and ancient poetry dedicated to goddesses from other cultures around the world. The concept of the "divine female" was explained to me. I was being introduced to women's mysteries, and instructed in the ways of a woman.

Yet, there was a guilty feeling inside... for "Thou Shalt Not Have Any Other Gods Before Me," had been ingrained in my spiritual make-up from birth. I loved Jesus, I really did. But, the Goddess... something inside of me was vibing hard-core.

I chanced upon a book in those years, "The Mists of Avalon," by Marion Zimmer Bradley. An 800+ page saga about the Arthurian legend, told from the perspective of the women of the time. It also chronicled the shift in ancient Britain from the "Old Religion," (pagan/druid/nature-based/Goddess-worshipping culture) to the "New Religion," of Christianity. I must have read that huge tome a half dozen times. Though fictional, it shed light on a part of history that I had never even heard of before, and sparked an interest, a deep passion really, for learning the ways of a spiritual woman, a daughter of the Goddess. Not to be a nun, who is married to Jesus and spends a life in sacrifice and toil for her Lord... but as a priestess, who embodies all of the innate magic and power of the divine feminine, celebrating it, and acting as a living vessel for Her energy and will to manifest in this world.

But, how would one become a priestess? Were there actual priestesses of the Goddess in the world today? How would I find them? This was in the early 90s, mind you. I had no internet, if there even was one at that time. The New Age section at the book stores was typically one shelf, filled mostly with Carlos Castenada and astrology books. I really had no idea where to begin... so I took my queues from "The Mists," from my Renaissance friends, from what literature I was able to find, and became a solitary practitioner, teaching myself what I could about the history of women in religion, about the Goddess, about witchcraft (a nature-based spirituality) and other women's studies.

I was still tossing a bit, though, with the guilt from my Christian upbringings. Was I betraying God and Jesus? Was I a sinner, even though this new path felt so very right and good? Would I go to hell - did I even believe in hell? I spent a good few years struggling with this inner turmoil. It felt like I was allowing God and Jesus to die, in a sense, from my life. I was grieving them. I knew I must continue to strengthen my bond with the Goddess, and yet, hadn't the insight yet to even consider that there might be room for both, for all.

I travelled with the gypsies to Mexico in the winter of 1996 to perform for a couple months. I was twenty years-old, and on my own in a foreign country. We were staying in the Yucatan peninsula, on the Caribbean coast, and the Mother was evident everywhere in the stunning nature, landscape, and energy of this special earth. It was a transformative time for me in my life, as I began to assert my true independence - even from my gypsy friends with whom I was traveling. But I had no idea just how powerful Mexico, as a living entity of its own, could be. She wanted me, and took me: thieves had stolen my passport, plane ticket and all my money shortly before I was to return to the States. I was beside myself with fear and confusion - not knowing what I would do, how I would get back home. The crescent moon was a perfect smirk that fateful night. She laughed in Her knowing. I resented it.

A great lesson was presented to me: that even when it seems like you're in the worst situation in the world, there is a plan. Have faith, and you might gain the greatest experience of your life. But, in those first few days after being robbed, I was still in the throes of panic. I had miraculously been given a room to stay in on credit, and was eating on credit in a friend's restaurant. I was being taken care of by the Universe, by the Great Mother, and yet I was so utterly at a loss, and confused.

Walking down the street one day, penniless and hopeless, I came upon a Mayan woman with a blanket laid out in front of her. She was trading and selling what goods she had. Some odd trinkets, a few books, some fruit - nothing much, but I stopped for a look. A book with a pink spine caught my eye, and as I looked closer, I saw the title "Ariadne's Thread: A Workbook of Goddess Magic." I grabbed at it, and leafed through. It was the first book I had ever seen that had a "program" for Goddess studies. I wish I could remember what I had given her for the book that would come to mean so much to me in my life, but all I know is I got it. With that pink book in hand, a renewed energy and sense of purpose came over me. I read the guidelines and the first chapter, entitled "Entry." I made a ritual by the sea, cast off any guilt or shame I still carried about God and Jesus, and consecrated my spirit in the name of the Goddess.

Thus began a path and a pursuit that would shape the rest of my life. While in Mexico, with my pink guide in hand, I learned so much about the powers of manifestation, about women's mysteries, about nature and energy and all the little symbols surrounding us day to day. I made an altar in my home, prayed by the ocean each morning, filling my chalice with water and flowers. I started a women's group, delved into reading the tarot, and wrote countless songs and poems in Her honor.

I noticed that by small daily affirmations of spirit, expressions of gratitude and taking tiny, positive actions in my environment (like cleaning up garbage on the beach, or offering food to the poor), synchronicity swirled about me. I had found my true path, and was living my life in true expression of my spirit, which is exactly what the Goddess, God, and the Universe want for us all ~ and when we walk the true path, we are rewarded with endless opportunities, divine assistance and magical blessings.

Three years I lived in paradise, in ritual, a true daughter of the Goddess. With the proverbial machete in hand, I hacked my way through the dense jungle of my spirit, unearthing other lives which still sang through my soul, sensing my deeper purpose for this one. Still new in my learnings and understanding, I wasn't yet able to articulate the destiny I was sensing. But I knew it was something big, something very important not only for me, but for the world and the times we are living in. I had taken my first steps into Ariadne's labyrinth. I was to be a priestess of the New Age...