Guess I'm Not a Bitch After All

Throughout my life, I have had it in my mind that I am a bitch.

I'm not sure how or when that seed was planted in my brain, but can easily identify points along the way that have reinforced the notion. The "bitchiness" is rolled into and tied up with a whole lot of negative mindspeak I've had about myself - that I'm a "bad" person, that I am "too emotional," that I am "crazy."

But, yeah, I'm not so sure about that anymore.

I grew up in a house with a lot of sibling rivalry and abuse, and can imagine that my anger and violence were born primarily as a function of survival - when you have a bully of a sister six years your senior who torments you physically and emotionally, you need to summon up all the rage you can to try to fight back. From the emotional dysfunction in my home life, my family certainly saw many incidences when I was "out of control," or "troubled." I would eavesdrop on conversations the adults would have about me, and heard words like "neurotic," and "certifiable." I didn't know what either of those words meant, but I knew by the tone of the conversation that it wasn't good, and that I wasn't good. So, it's likely the negative self-perception started then, at home, in my youth.

By nature, I have a very strong-willed personality. I am opinionated and out-spoken. I have many leader-like qualities, and have always traveled at the head of the pack. In middle school, I masked on heaping loads of false bravado to cover my tween insecurities, and might have been seen as intimidating and confident, almost too sure of myself (which was all an act, I assure you). I was a little wild, a little "advanced" for my young age - sexually, and in maturity - which might have seemed somewhat threatening.

However, I was also very sensitive, and so desperately afraid of what people thought of me... If I were invited to a party, let's say, I would be nauseous with anxiety about going - and often times, ended up staying home because I assumed something bad would happen to me, and couldn't calm my nerves. On the other hand, if I wasn't invited to a particular party, I would have been beside myself with grief, and would have thought that everyone must hate me and would dread going to school the following Monday to have to face them all. I never felt comfortable in my own skin. Now, as an adult, I realize that most kids that age ride that same, scary emotional roller-coaster. I also realize that my friends back then saw me very differently than I would have thought.

In high school, I was tormented by older girls, who probably didn't like my strong personality nor my blossoming talents. I would often have my head bashed into my locker, and used to keep a collection of hate notes that would get passed to me in choir. I got beat up at a few football games. In the 10th grade, to my utter humiliation, I actually ended up on a "Bitch List" that had been circulating around school. I was #2 on the list. The parents of all the girls who made it on the list were called in to the Vice Principal's office, to be assured that the school was dealing with the matter effectively. I will never forget the look on my mother's face - that her 15 yr old was the #2 bitch in a school of 1500 kids. Horrifying.

After high school, and throughout my adult life, though the negative self-perception had been firmly rooted in me, I wouldn't say that I have been perceived as a bitch. I know people have seen me bitch others out. I know some of my friends fear ever making me angry or getting me riled up. And for sure, my ex-boyfriends and ex-husband have seen demons come flying right out of me. It's easy for others to see that I am emotional, yes, and that I have a quick temper. I have remained very opinionated and outspoken. I can be very bossy at times. Yet, while I have had some volatile arguments and confrontations with certain people who are no longer in my life, in general, I think most people find me quite agreeable, having a lot of social grace, typically upbeat, and eager to make others feel comfortable around me.

But the negative thoughts about myself, that belief that I am a bitch and a bad person, has remained. It has poisoned some relationships. It has enabled me to behave badly, raging in situations when I have felt threatened or hurt. It has been the source of the deep depression that has spiraled out of control at different points in my life. So much power that little inner voice has had, and yet all it is, is simply a thought.

There is a flip side to this coin, however, and this is what has recently just occurred to me. That same negative little voice in my head doesn't just have influence on my bad behavior... but manifests in other ways as well. Because I feel bad about myself, because I still fear what others think of me, and seek that approval and validation that I am a good person after all... I forgive where I shouldn't. I am gracious towards those who offend. I reach out to those who turn away. I give where it's not reciprocated. I take the high road too often, and it's because of that deep-rooted self-loathing that seeks approval, that needs attention, that is desperate for love - as if someone's love could validate my merit, and prove that I am good and deserving.

Well, I think I'm getting over all that.

There's this other voice in my head that's been cropping up a lot more often these days. I like her tone. She sings real sweet. And she's LOUD - I think she's been drowning out the voice I've been listening to all these years. This new voice tells me that all those qualities I have - being opinionated, outspoken, emotional, and direct - are virtues which others admire, and don't despise. She validates what a powerful, amazing, talented woman I am - and that these gifts I've been given can be harnessed and used to temper my emotions, control my rage, prevent myself from spiraling into depression... that I have the ability and strength to make those choices. She also has been pointing out to me the situations in which I am spending energy - good, loving energy - on people who really don't deserve it, reminding me that I don't need approval from people who aren't even on my level. I need to leave them behind as I ascend to greater heights.

I am not a bitch. I am not crazy. I am not too emotional. I'm not neurotic, nor certifiable. I am not troubled. I am not wicked. I am not bad.

I am a lover, and have a huge heart. I am a giver, and have such great desire to help my loved ones in their hours of need. I am direct, and people can always count on me to be honest. I own my shit - I walk my walk, and talk my talk; I don't say one thing and do or mean another. I am joyous and fun. I share what I have. I see the glass half-full. I look for positive solutions. I am open. I am not ashamed. I have strength of mind and will. I am independent. I am free.

After all these years, and all this time, God damn it feels good to be me.